Attention: the following is all, more or less, true. This song really exists. I've been showing it to people for the past month, and they asked me to node the lyrics. I did.
In late 2002, Glowing Fish, a Portland, Oregon based rapper was making some songs with his DJ, Hypotext. On the way to the studio, he had listened to the Don Red track Bitch's Nickname on my Cellphone. Impressed with Don's rhyming, but unimpressed with Don's other activities, G-Fish decided to cut a track to let young noders in the community know the way to get ahead wasn't to try to cut corners and write nodes for glamour, but to research facts with hardcore stamina. Inspired by
the ganja and 40's, his producers good Chai, he came up with this rhyme, off the top of his head:
Lately, I've been worried,
been reading this node
called Butterfinger McFlurry
done by this guy, name of Don Red
I'm wondering what he's being fed
To the youngsters
Comin up on the jumpster
Trying to rise through the ranks
But let me be frank
They see this kind of shit,
all about, his #1 hit
63 C!s, bling bling its shiny
I don't wanna be whiney
But let me tell you the truth kids:
You go out and say "oh, look at what Don Red has",
"he's a big gangster"
"he's an editor"
But let me get down to the bedrock
Of all of this shit,
Is that you can't get where he is, by doing what he did
Cuz he's a thief, he stole
You do the same thing, where you end up?
You end up in the hole
When Dannye curses you for 500 XP
Don't be a reject like me!
I did some stupid stuff in my time
Which is why I am here telling you in a rhyme
You can't repeat the Butterfingers McFlurry style node
You wanna talk about chode, Don?
Your node is chode!
You are like a little toad
Hopping up, I don't know how you impressed
the Holland Crew
But then you did what you do
But kids come up, thinking they can repeat your mistake
But they don't realize you are just a fake
They get blasted for doing what you done
That's why it is no fun
YO KIDS You gotta erase that node
Let me tell you about another note
This one is for real, it is called Ralph
It climbed in with stealth
Big ups to Footprints
Discovered it, made a mint
Advertising, it started rising
As people knew another name for a raven
Was also a Ralph
It's like talc powder
Gives you power,
It smoothes you out
To know about Corvid Nameology
That's why I'm here to tell you the theory
What makes a good node
Sometimes its silly
But not silly like that hillbilly
Don tried to do with Butterfingers
I don't care about your McDonald's dessert
I'd just as soon desert you
Alone on a desert isle
You try to pile
Bullshit higher and higher
Like you think you're fucking Jim Morrison
I used to live on Morrison Street!
Yo Steev, I love this beat!
If you wanna start noding, you go for the facts!
That's how you make your attack
On the other users nodelet
It's like a little chodelet!
It's like chicken, easy to chew
It's chewy, don't be a groupie
of the people with the lesbians, monkey and soy
A little clique, kind of sick
When they sit around, C!ing each other like a circle jerk
They're crawling around in their own mirk
You want to write your own noding hits
Better hit the research
Not just crawling around in the mirk
Of the lesbians and monkeys
I know I am kind of funky
I did some humorous writing on Everything2
But it doesn't mean I just depend on my crew
And our in jokes
Braggin about how much we smoke
At noder meetings
Those people need an XP beating
You know what I am saying?
I don't want to be disrespectful
I want to be correctful
I am not saying that anyone on e2,
with certain exceptions
Needs to be rejecting
and drawn away
Just because they pulled some jokes way back in the day
For the kids coming up,
I want you to know what's up
The way to do it is to do it with good grammar
And hit those facts straight like a hammer
Don't hit your own thumb,
that would be pretty fucking dumb
You know what I am saying?,
e2 is a game, you better be playing
If you want to get the asterix next to your name
I'm informing you about the game,
Don't go through the pain
Don't want to get nuked, don't want to get borged
Let me tell you kids, stay with the factuals
Know your theory, you got to hear me
Three paragraphs, nice factuals
Stuff that hasn't been covered
Soon you'll be a lover
Not a fighter
And not a biter
Nuked on sight
And I'm out of sight
For the night
Thank you, Steev.
There are rumors that this song provoked the deC!ing of Ralph and the general East Coast\West Coast e2 hip hop war, but those are still rumors at this point.
I debated whether to delete this, and even requested that it be so. Upon rereading it, I do want it to be kept, although I find the whole thing kind of ridiculous. But I can't retcon the silliness out of myself, 2002
or some of e2s past.