It is now October 1, 2024 server time, but for me it is still September 30th, and I want to include this under this date, especially because I have come to a revelation lately.
I am bored.
I was reluctant to admit this, even to myself, because I have no reason to be bored. And really, being bored is a privilege that a lot of people would like to have. First world problems, and all that. I am also in a place where I get to do fun, interesting things: bicycle up into the Bitterroot Mountains and explore beautiful natural areas that some people pay thousands of dollars for a chance to get to visit for a week. And if I don't have quite the gumption to do that, I have an entire internet of fun and learning, I can chill out by watching hours of YouTube videos where I might actually learn something...or, if I lack the gumption for that, I can very easily hear people lay out their deepest secrets. I mean, that happens even if I don't want to. I have A Big Ball of String here and I can sit in front of my computer, sipping tea and kava and eating chocolate and enjoying the rich panorama at my fingertips. But for some reason it isn't working.
Luckily, the writeup above mine helped me break the taboo and just admit that frankly, I feel bored. Nothing seems especially rewarding and interesting, even when I try. I try to get in the flow, enjoy reading, enjoy writing, just enjoy being, but nope.
In a few weeks, I will be doing things that hopefully I won't be bored during. Big changes are afoot, and I should be full of anticipation, but...no. But we will see.
As for me, I blame the dead internet. The internet has been so calcified into a few typical topics, which have typical reactions and typical dialogues, that everything feels so stale. Even in the midst of seemingly radical ideas and aggressive rhetoric, I rarely feel the sense of freshness of seeing a new perspective about how people are living their lives...and how we could be living our lives.
I am looking for a liminal state, that rush of adventure when you realize that the world isn't quite what you thought it was, when a simple idea casts the entire world in a new light. One thing about liminal states, though: you can't go looking for them, by definition. Because if you know what it is you are getting, it isn't going to be a liminal state. And also, of course, I want to have my cake and eat it too--I want to relax, stare at my computer, not have to commit myself, but still feel that things around me are new and exciting.
And so I find myself in the midst of boredom. Not the worst problem to have, but it is my current problem to have.