hunched over the sink vomiting blue
toothpaste bubbles, gagging. i need new toothpaste, mom.
this stuff makes me sick. it tastes awful.

she shrieks. absentmindedly i touch a toy telephone
and memories rush at my eyes, all the things
she ever bought me. she is screaming. when's it gonna
be enough, huh? It's always wantwantwant with you!
where does it ever go? what did you do with any of it?
it was all a waste!

some indescribable feeling. a hand reaches up my
belly to my throat and makes a fist.

i am a parasite.

there are boys in the house. i try to lock
the doors but they get in anyway. one of them has a gun.
one of them shoots me in the face.

i see myself fall, half a doll's head open like
a bloody casket, mouth a black circle, one
eye gone. brains glug
onto the kitchen floor.

i have a gun. i shoot the boy that killed me
in the chest and i am alive again, held together
with a tight gauzy veil of blue and gold.

in the backyard i am smoking a cigarette.
i'm not hungry. my mind is empty. i am
austere.

i don't want anything
anymore.