Well, today is the day. I don't feel like reiterating why it is "the day" so please refer to my daylog entry for June 29, 2000
. Please note the warning at the top - it probably applies to this one as well.
I feel really empty inside. And it feels like the world is conspiring to make me remember. I flipped my calendar to July and the picture is of the place where my baby was conceived. Then on top of everything else, my monthly friend showed up. Which does help to explain why I have been so emotional lately, but just another nasty reminder that I am not pregnant. I'm empty.
So, you say, why not try again? Well:
Reason #1: I wanted to wait for my job to become more stable (it didn't, I was layed off in April - but started a new job at the end of May which is more stable but BORING AS HELL)
Reason #2: Husband doesn't seem real interested. Don't get me wrong, we were both happy when I became pregnant last year, but it did make us realize how much our lives were going to change.
and Reason #3: (The real reason): I am scared of it happening again. I don't want to experience that pain again. I don't want to hear some fucking asshole doctor say "I don't think we have a viable pregnancy" again. I don't want my heart to feel ripped to shreds again.
Sorry, again, if I made anyone sad. Thanks for listening.