Some therapist I'm going to be...I can't even
facilitate communication in my own relationship. We have
trust issues. We have
boundary issues. Ever since we participated in the
leather show, Wayne has been expressing feelings of inadequacy related to his personality...he thinks I want someone more
dominant,
assertive. More
extroverted. On a certain level I do, but I also value him as he is. The trouble comes when I try to
reassure him of this...it
falls flat. My words of comfort reach his eyes and ears as
vapid platitudes.
The trust issues arose last week, after he noticed I still have amicable relationships with a couple of my exes. He began hovering near my monitor whenever one of them would instant message me. He opened my email program while I was taking a hot bath and subsequently began investigating the websites in my bookmark list. I felt as though I was dating a CIA agent. He left his computer connected to AOL while we went out Saturday night, and upon returning I jokingly moved the cursor to the mailbox and said, "Let's see what you're hiding. He all but tackled me to snatch the mouse away and disconnect before I could invade his privacy. That was when I chose to go home for the evening rather than argue.
My feelings were hurt, I couldn't think of anything to say, and we spent the next day apart and in terse silence. Earlier, I finally emailed him the lyrics to The Dangling Conversation by way of breaching the stillness. The reply was less than encouraging: "I don't think I even want to begin to interpret this song. You walked out...the ball is in your court." The ball is in my court, but I don't even know what game I'm supposed to be playing.
I hate sports.