This originally appeared in my zine for Issue 168 (November 1996) of Mutations, a gaming and comics APA.
For the tenth anniversary issue of Mutations, I collaborated with another APA-hack on a "group portrait" cover, in which we portrayed everybody as the most appropriate superhero or supervillain we could come up with, based on their personality. This led to some fairly predictable stuff like Doctor Overkill, Morality Man and Doctor Fanboy, and some less obvious stuff like Regency Lass, Regimental Lad, and the Gadfly.
Yes, as a matter of fact there had been a great deal of Legion of Super Heroes discussion in the APA prior to this. Funny how that works.
Of course, I had to put a self-portrait in there. In a flash of inspiration, possibly influenced by reading entirely too many Phil Foglio comics, Offensive Wench was born. Her origin story has never been written down, though as I recall it involved a radioactive RenFaire bodice, a barrel of Guinness, and a great quantity of lube.
Offemsive Wench became one of the ongoing jokes of Mutations, showing up in my zine and others, even submitting a write-up of her own adventures ("Somebody told me a Harley makes a good vibrator so I tried one of yours. I came forty-seven times but then the engine melted. Don't feel bad, though; I tried it later with a riceburner and it melted after I only came twice.").
In response to another APA-hack's attempt to damn the Wench with faint praise, I put into my zine the following rant, which was written in the spirit of the Brag of the Subgenius, as carried on through its sequels, the Brag of the Female Subgenius and the Brag of the Transgender Subgenius.
"Douche with peyote tea and gargle with bong water"? Offensive Wench is no wuss, boy. She douches with Yukon Jack and gargles with the blood of the Moral Majority. She eats a peck of live oysters for breakfast and tamps 'em down with a two-foot kielbasa. When she sweats, her pheromones cause every male moth in a thousand-mile radius to explode in mid-air from sheer excitement, and high school boys throughout the country apply to SDSU and UCSD for compelling reasons they cannot name. She rolls her own tampons and kick-starts her vibrator! She can suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose and send it all the way back with a single flick of her tongue! Pap smear scrapers snap like brittle twigs against her cervix and she grinds up the pieces and spits out the dust! Yee-haw! She can drain all the precious bodily fluids out of the entire Sea-Dogs' Guild at Southern Faire without breaking a sweat! She can corrupt the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and then say, "Next?" She uses a depleted uranium dildo and leaves dents in it! She sits on a telephone pole and whittles it down to a chopstick! She can fuck you to death and back to life again without stopping for a beer!
However, as the Wench's mild-mannered secret identity, I merely douche with fluoridated water to help prevent tooth decay.