A brilliant satirical work by
Tuli Kupferberg and
Robert Bashlow, published in
1966 but unfortunately long
out of print. (I got my copy from a used book dealer in
England.) It is literally what it says it is, a bizarre kind of
self-help book that lists exactly 1001 humorous ways to
beat the draft. But
don’t try this at home, kids! The list is interspersed with cartoons, photographs, and newspaper clippings to form sort of a lengthy
collage.
Some selections:
1. Grope
J. Edgar Hoover in the silent halls of
Congress.
2.
Get thee to a nunnery.
3. Fly to the
moon and refuse to come home.
4.
Die.
5. Become
Secretary of Defense.
11. Start to
menstruate. (Better red than dead.)
52. Tell the
draft board that you will send your mother to fight in
Viet Nam in your place.
54. Organize your own
army and advance on
Washington.
86. Learn to talk with your
anus.
194. Give away copies of the
Communist Manifesto to the other
inductees.
395. Tell them you like
Theater of the Absurd but this is too much.
580. Commit an
original sin.
633. Walk in wearing a big
diaper and say: “Well, I still have some problems.”
724. Bring a
gun and a target and at an appropriate moment (say the
eye exam) lean the target against a wall and start shooting at it, screaming: “Kill the
Commies! Kill the fucken Commies!”
813.
Be yourself.
870. Tell them you’ll go only if you can stick to a strict
macrobiotic diet.
939.
Play dead.