Here are some supposed maintenance complaints submitted by application server operators and the replies from the system administration team.

Problem: "Disk 3 on controller 2 almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced disk 3 on controller 2."

Problem: "System diagnostic OK, except SCSI hot swap very rough."
Solution: "SCSI hot swap not supported on this backplane."

Problem #1: "Backup application server leaking FDs."
Solution #1: "Backup application server FD leak normal."
Problem #2: "Production, replica, and hot standby app servers lack normal FD leak."

Problem: "The UPS isn't."
Solution: "IT IS NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in the A/C."
Solution: "Something tightened in A/C."

Problem: "Evidence of unauthorized access in user logs."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Cooling fan volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:"Dead bugs in trouble ticket system."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Database server under 200-concurrent-user load produces heavy swapping."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on backup server."

Problem: "Firewall inoperative."
Solution: "Firewall inoperative in allow-all mode."

Problem: "Referential integrity checks cause unusual data entry to fail."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three backup tape missing."
Solution: "Backup tape found in tape array after brief search."

Adapted to the IT world from the infamous Air Force Maintenance Complaints.