Have you seen Jackass
, the MTV show where they try to do really stupid things
that hurt like hell
, like riding down a hill in a shopping cart
Well I saw it last Friday, and they had some sort of competitive game in which the balls fly at 3 million miles per hour or so. Something like Lacrosse, but more dangerous. Instead of balls, they had the players use oranges, and two of the main Jackass characters (Johnny Knoxville, of course, and somebody else) stood there awaiting their fates as the players hurled oranges at them at near light speed. Needless to say, one of them got hit in the leg which flung him right off his feet, leaving a blue mark the size of Idaho.
Anyway, the rudmentary disclaimer: Do not attempt the following. Or actually, attempt it at your own risk. It should only be attempted by confirmed idiots. Footprints will not be held responsible for any damage and/or death inflicted upon anyone doing this really dumb, pointless act. Furthermore, in a court of law, Footprints will deny having ever mentioned this, and will disclaim having knowledge of any such acts or even of bottles of orange juice.
Here's a little tidbit of information for you: If you take a 1- or 2-litre plastic bottle of orange juice and drink nearly all of it, leaving just a little bit in there, and let that stand for a couple of weeks, you get a lot of fermentation going on. In fact, the whole bottle swells up. I wouldn't drink it. I discovered this by accident, when I tried to open up such a bottle about half a year ago, and it nearly took my head off. We were all awestruck at that moment, and it took us about 5 minutes to find the bottle top, which flew right into the next room. But I got a nice voucher from the company, and they wrote 'consume within 5 days of opening' on all of their plastic OJ bottles after that. So that's my contribution to society. But, of course, complying with Newton's Law, there must be an equal and opposite reaction.
So I opened up my fridge this morning and noticed that I forgot another bottle in a similar state in the fridge. Inspired by Jackass, I called my girlfriend, and asked her to shoot me with the bottle. Now what kind of sick bitch would shoot her own boyfriend in the ass? Okay, stupid question. My girlfriend.
Unfortunately, this is where is stops being interesting. I bet her she would miss, from about 2 feet. And she did. So as of yet, I don't know what it feels like to have a bottle cap fly into my butt at 200 mph.
But I bought another 2-litre bottle today. To quote Faith No More: "It's always funny until someone gets hurt, and then it's just hilarious."
Note : Please do not send me videotapes of you shooting yourself with various fermented juices. Neither I nor any of the Footprints recreational staff will watch it.
tells me: "the game you talk about in your jackass node is called Jai Alai
. (Sounds like hi lie)"