Until I figure out what to do with these jokes (some of which are quite good), I've removed all the other humour nodes, and will keep it all here for a short while. Thanks you for your patience.
I don't know whether this is a good idea or not, so I'm trying it out. It's really tough to post humour on E2, as it usually has to be under node titles like How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?, which is both annoying, and unreachable.
I personally like to get a daily dose of fact and a daily dose of humour here on E2. I had a talk with moJoe a while back, and he agreed (actually he brought it up) that fact and humour are the cornerstones of E2. So why not make it more easily accessible?
Enough rambling. Now for a disclaimer: E2 is a very PC place. So if you are a sensitive person who can't stand non-PC jokes, please don't read the NPC jokes. I do not mean to offend anyone. It's all in jest.
- My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when
you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Okay, forget it."
- Q: What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls?
- Q: What is the first letter in yellow?
Because I want to know.
- Q: What is blonde, has six legs and roams Michael Jackson's dream
- If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him,
is he still wrong?
- Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Todays Humourous Node
referral: Why did the chicken cross the road?
yesterday's humour tomorrow's humour
Today's disclaimer: The NPC jokes are not PC, so if you are offended by such humour (or as you would put it "That's NOT funny"), don't read them. Because of all the PC-ness on E2 I'm a bit concerned about putting non-PC jokes here. I'm not concerned about downvotes, I just don't want anyone to hate me for the wrong reasons. I don't mind anyone hating me for the right reasons, but not racism, anti-semitism, chauvenism, feminism... you get the idea. So I did warn you. Today I will be offending Mexicans and blondes."
- Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Today's Humorous Node
referral: The World's Shortest Joke
yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away . . . . . for tomorrow is another day
Today's disclaimer: Today I will not have a PC humour section. As a tribute to the middle east crisis, I will be offending Jews and Arabs. If you are offended by non-PC jokes, don't read on. Also, if you speak Arabic, I apologize profusely for the incorrectness of the language. Arabic, Yiddish - it's all the same to me.
- Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
- How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
She has a headache with the milkman.
- Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew".
People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any
of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by,
gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you
change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any
money?" and walks away.
As he goes, the Jew turns to the other one and says: "Chaim, he would
teach us business..."
- A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
Useful phrases for Arab travel
Today's humorous node
referral: how many "how many..." jokes does it take to make a metanode?
yesterday, when I was mad . . . . . . I love you, tomorrow
Today's disclaimer: The PC jokes are not always too PC, but they shouldn't offend anyone. The NPC (non-PC) should not offend racists, bigots, chauvenists and anyone who is not Pee-Wee Herman. (In that order).
- Q: How did the Germans capture Poland so easily?
A: They marched in backwards and said they were leaving.
A store opened in Harlem offering a "decolorization" process, which promised to lighten even the darkest skin and eyes - for $99.
Otis and Tyrone saved up their money, and Otis dragged his friend to the shop with him. In he went, emerging half an hour later with white skin and blond hair.
Tyrone's eyes bulged. "Hey, man, you look fine. Listen, I only got 98 dollars, can you spare me the extra dollar?"
Otis' blue eyes narrowed. "Get a job," he snapped.
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- Q: What 3 famous people were shot in the back of the head?
A: Lincoln, Kennedy and the guy sitting in front of Pee-Wee.
Today's Humorous Node
referral: the funniest thing ever on The Simpsons
yesterday is only a click away ... I'll be back
I am assuming you know the following:
Q: How many elephants fit in a VW bug?
A: Four: two in the front, two in the back
Q: How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
A: 1) Open the door 2) Put the elephant in 3) Close the door
Q: How do you put a giraffe in a fridge in 4 steps?
A: 1) Open the door 2) Take out the elephant 3) Put the giraffe in 4) Close the door
Q: The lion called a meeting of all the animals. Who didn't attend?
A: The giraffe; it was in the fridge
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
- Q: What is grey and not there?
A: No elephant.
- Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: four: two in the front, two in the back.
- Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a cherry?
A: The colour.
- Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
- Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A: Lots of room.
- Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Oh no, here comes aherd of elephants over the hill!"
- Q: What did Jane say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Oh no, here comes a herd of cherries over the hill!" (Jane's colour blind)
- Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
- Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
- Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
- Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
I've got 90,000 pounds in my pyjamas ... I've got 40,000 French Francs in my fridge
Today we have:
First, in order to understand these, you must realise 3 important facts about drummers:
These facts are agreed upon by the music community
- Drummers are dumb
- Drummers have a lousy sense of time
- Drummers are lousy musicians
Thanks to OGI dep. of CS & eng.
- Q: How do you recognise a drummer?
A: He's always hanging around musicians.
- A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
- A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
- A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
- Q: If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A: The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.
- from the Drummers Dictionary:
Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo.
- So many drummers, so little time.
- Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A1: The knocking speeds up.
A2: He doesn't know when to come in.
- Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
- One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks.
After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
before ... and ... after
Before you read the jokes:
What to do if you are offended by today's jokes? Well, think of it this way: if you upvote me, I'll get to level 6 faster, which means I'll put a picture of myself on my homenode faster, which means you'll be able to find me faster.
yesterday's gone . . . tomorrow is another day
Due to the unexpected success of yesterday's Mommy mommy jokes (the node didn't get nuked), I am coming at you today with more mother jokes, or as my good buddy Sadaam would put it The jokes of all mothers.
Daily Humour: November 1, 2000
Yesterday . . . Tomorrow
Today we have lame and unrelated jokes because I spent all evening writing a stupid web page for my Advanced Internet Topics class, and couldn't do any proper research for the Daily Humour node. That web page could have actually been a daily humour node on its own, if E2 ran applets.
- Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his
bluff. "OK, Bubba how about The Pope", his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are
from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss
are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work.
I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears
into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with
the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him,
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out
on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
- Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him,
so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened,
the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it
spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."