The Unnecessarily Scandalous Daily Herald

August 21, 2005

Making news out of very little since 2005

Holy man denies ties with the devil

by Chad Major

A Minnesota pastor denied yesterday (Saturday) having ties with the devil. He was quoted as saying "I have no idea what you are talking about," when confronted with the allegations.

John Mitchham, a 34 year-old pastor from Wolfbingham, Minnesota, has been in the town for 7 years. He moved there from Cairo, Minnesota when there was an opening for a pastor in Wolfbingham. Mitchham is a loved and respected member of the society at Wolfbingham. Interviews with several locals revealed that none of them had ever suspected that Mitchham might secretly be a devil-worshipper. 55-year old Joe Delphiki, a local tradesman, said, "John was always very kind to everyone. I don't believe he worships the devil." Mitchham himself, in a short interview, denied any involvement with the dark forces, and said, "I don't know what you are talking about."

Homosexual man declared mentally ill

by Larry Judge

A homosexual man checked himself into a mental institution in Orlando, Florida on Friday. He was diagnosed as being mentally ill, and admitted within the hour. His family refused to be interviewed, but said that they had known he was homosexual for about 6 years. The 26-year old man was diagnosed as being schizophrenic with paranoid tendencies.

The man's former psychologist refused to comment.

The brutal rape that never was

by Justice Longley

Susan Jones is a nurse at the Smokeyville nursing home in Smokeyville, Kentucky. On Saturday morning, she was called in to work as another nurse was feeling ill. She told her husband, Bob, to take care of the children and left the house. She was not aware of the horrors that would not unfold. Just as she was about to get into the car, she was not approached by a large man wearing a ski mask. The large man did not then proceed to, in broad daylight, drag her into his car and drive to a clearing in the local woods. He then did not tie her to a tree and did not rape and sodomise her. Afterwards, he did not leave her in the woods or drive her home. Susan, on being interviewed, said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

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