I had a moment when I felt like a person, I had emotion and I could be wanted. This moment lasted about 10 optimisic minutes, and then reality hit me. Still it was nice to be on the receiving end for once. Over the last few years I have consciously attempted to help as many of my friends as possible. I listen, I care and I want to help them through their problems (God knows i've had enough of my own). I have tried to be the friend that I always seeked, although whether this has been achieved is another matter. I try my hardest to make other people happy, to make up for my lack of happiness. Over the past few years I have developed a vague philosophy by which I try to live. It is (in simple terms) that other peoples happiness is more important than my own, so as long as what I do doesn't hurt anyone, and I try and help people, I can be myself. It seems to work in a strange kind of way, even though nobody seems to understand.
When you get to a point of feeling so numb and robotic that you have to cut and burn yourself just to feel something, you know this definately isn't normal (but thats a good thing, right?). I have felt like this for close to 4 years, on and off (which I must add is much more annoying than just feeling one thing), and i'm reaching a point of either total confusion or complete understanding. Either way it's not fun, however at least it's progress.
One of my main problems (academically) is that my thought process is completely unstructured. I just needed to express my thoughts, so I apologise for the randomness.
As a final note, if you're in a relationship, please value what you have. It isn't something to take for granted, I have been searching for intimacy and belonging for years and I continue to do so. I know sometimes relationships suck, but the fact you're in this position in the first place is valuable enough (yes I do know it sounds stupid). Would you rather be in a relationship with its ups and downs or alone? I know which I'd choose.