This is sort of grievous to recall, mainly because I haven't told anyone.

There are 3 people on this Earth who actually have an idea about the following tribulation.

It's not quite peachy keen to get this off my chest, but I stumbled upon the node, and recalled a series of events which triggered my memory cascade.

"To Forsake" is not a good description of what my brain has done for protection against awful cognizance and its harmful effect.

In fact, I seem to possess a special lock-system, that "deletes" from memory anything venomous, which ever happened to me. Call it "auto-safety-device", call it whatever, it's working properly, most of the time.

Sometimes, the Universe plots against my inner-device; circumstances make my defenses useless, and the crooked worm starts carving into my raw marrow, just as if it were an apple.

It was midsummer. I was in my second-to-third year of University studies; I was spending my summer vacation back home. I had gathered all my high-school friends and we'd decided to throw a fare-well party to end our joyous get-together.

I had also seen my high-school sweetie. Two years before, we had split up.

He and I were very connected at that time, but, as I chose my future orientation - a medical career -, my family started filling my head with ideas like: "he isn't suited for you", "he's going to turn-out just like his father", "he has flaws that will destroy you and him, altogether"(he very much liked to bet his private lessons money at arcade games & when he put alcohol in his mouth, he completely became another person).

I know, I too, am very much to blame, as well as my folks are, but that doesn't absolve me the guilt for not taking my own decisions. I didn't want to do it, but my Julien Sorel-like judgment told me to do the "right thing". At the moment, it seemed like it. I knew he suffered quite badly. I did too, but I fooled myself into thinking that it would have never turned out for the 2 of us. I continuously told myself something like: "if you love something, let it go..."

And I did let go. Moved on, passed exams with high scores, slimed my life from one day to another in a dull pattern.

Now we'd met again, and I caught a moment at the party, in which I got to tell him what I had acknowledged too late.

It all went on with the music, booze, dance, fun...But it's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt...

The location of this fare-well thingy was at one of our friends' mansion, a three-stored villa, situated at almost 2 miles from where my folks lived. At about three in the morning, it was about time we ditched. I stayed a little behind, because I helped with the cleaning. I had a few drinks, but wasn't feeling nothing like dizzy. I'm telling this, because I need to find a possible fault in me. Somehow, I always felt that it was my fault, and all the "IF's" in my head keep pointing to a different conclusion...

I asked B. if he wanted to go home, 'cause I explained him that I'm having cleaning reasons. He said :"It's ok, I'll wait, after all, we ARE going towards the same neighborhood. What's the point in having called two cabs at this hour?!? And, by the way, there's safety in numbers!" And he winked at me.

At the moment , the thought crossed my mind, for just a split second, that he had something malicious in that wink of his...I should've paid more attention to my gut feelings...

As we said our good-byes to the host, we were slowly heading down the stairs. Between floor 3 and floor 2, there was a small corridor with two rooms and two more bath-rooms. He forcefully grabbed me by the hand, totally unexpected, giving me no time to process what was going on. By the time I had figured it out, he already had his hand on my mouth, and the other was reaching for something or maybe he was just struggling with my hands. I was gathering all my strength to escape the room. My nostrils were filled with overwhelming, frequent respiratory movements without any effect. I was simplifying his work, in fact. I fought and I managed to escape his restrain, but as I was crawling for the door (when did he shut it?!), he grabbed my ankle and I fell. (God, I hope I didn't break a bone, or something...I have to run! I can't get anywhere with this ankle!). I knew, quite clearly, what was inside his mind (but how? why? why was he doing this? was it really him - the man I spoke to -, two hours ago?!). I was no match for his strength, and the more I was struggling, the better he held me, just like a crushing machine. (air! I need more air! these foamy gases are choking me!) I felt his filthy breath closer and closer to my face, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes.(Please, Please stop touching me! I beg of you STOP!).I started crying. I felt tears flooding my ears as I was laying on my back, squashed by his massive bones. I was crying and I barely could mumble the words "Please, stop!".

I think he did, because I remember myself running away. And it was still dark outside. So he did not have time to harm me in any way more than he'd already done. I remember that I cuddled in alone my own bed, holding really close my stuffed toys. I remember waking up really, really late. I had this sore ache in my wrist. My ankle hurt, too. I said I fell while playing basketball. I must have.

I still have little gaps. Sometimes, I have tormenting nightmares, keeping me from sleep, weeks, and weeks...I wake up because of the phantom-pain. I had problems with human approach for a long time since the "event". I couldn't stand for anyone, be it man or woman, to stay close enough to me so that maybe he/she could possibly touch me. That is over now. Still, I am easy to be startled. Even as the phone rings suddenly, I shiver. The only man whom I trusted to be close enough to me, for a year and a half after the incident, was My Monster.He was very patient with me. Just as taming a wild animal, you must not miss the timing, or the whole process is in vain. He did that. He really molded me back(or almost back) to my former self.

I know these are the type of scars that never heal. I know that people I will meet in the future have no fault for the past, so I mustn't treat them like my own worst enemy. There's a very thin line between being a little over - protective of oneself and becoming a lonesome creature. I made many run away from me because of this. But I'm still working on that balance, for "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness"-Jonathan Safran Foer-

I still believe it is my fault. It is only fair that I accept the consequences of my mistakes.