It's hard enough to go on a first date with someone you like. There's all that pressure of, what will I say? What if I do something stupid? What if they carry a gun? What if I get something in my teeth? What if they try to kiss me? What if I do something to offend them? What if they think I'm staring at their chest instead of at them? What if they're a deranged psychopath? But can you imagine the stress level of God asking you out on a date?

I mean first off, what do you wear? What compliments a big, flowing, glowing robe? (or for you Dogma fans, what compliments a white satin suit with plaid boxers?) Secondly, what do you say to God?

You: So... hi, I'm fill in name here. You must be God. You look really great.

God: (confused silence and no dialogue because you humans will never comprehend the sheer awesomeness of the true voice of God)

You: Uh, that whole creating the Universe thing was really cool. (break off into uncomfortable, awkward laughter)

Thirdly, once you get used to the silence, and manage to make it through dinner, the movie, and an intimate coffee break (All of which you pay for regardless of gender) without provoking the wrath of God; how do you end the evening? Do you kiss God goodnight on the cheek, or the lips? Do you ask God inside? Will God destroy you if you do the wrong thing?

Fourthly, if you do things right, and God agrees to a second date? Or worse yet, comes inside?

Let's face it, a friendship with God would work, but an intimate (by intimate I mean romantic, not close) relationship probably isn't worth the risk.