"Robert, why don't we ever eat dinner together anymore? Or spend the night together? It's been months since we kidnapped anyone."

"My dear, I have tried to explain this to you. I am working on a project that matters to both of us."

"Obviously you aren't, or you would be asking me for my contributions in defeating your enemies."

"My darling, I would have asked for your advice if I could use it in this matter."

"I suggest you find the time to discuss the matter with me, rather than behind my back. After the last time I would think you had learned a lesson about not trying to hide things from me. I have valuable advice, especially if you intend your life to continue for more that a few days more. I have lots of advice about how not to end up being murdered. By me, or even perhaps by others," said Julia.




"My darling, while I love you more than I love the oxygen that you have generously permitted to fill my lungs, I feel we are at odds on this issue."

Robert attempted, with only slight success, to disentangle himself from the latest trap that his wife had been, due to great adversity, forced to set in the increasingly large and deep Fortress of Doom which they were building.

"Are you saying you feel I should not be permitting oxygen to fill your lungs, my love?"

"What I mean, my angel, is that we should rationally discuss this in a circumstance in which I am not suffering from hypoxia."

She pursed her full lips. "You're lucky that I have a distinct love for you when you're not half-dead of hypoxia. I hope you recognize my generosity."

"My dear, I barely recognize anything due to the blackness that is conquering my vision, but if there is a woman in the world whom I love, it's you."

"What an enormously foolish decision that is, my darling. You'd think this incident would have taught you to make better romantic choices."

"Well, I have always felt that if you stopped attempting to murder me it would mean that you had stopped caring about me, my perfect companion."

"Oh, Robert, don't ever even think of such a thing. It's possible one day I might stop caring about you. But I solemnly swear that I will never stop trying to murder you."

"I can't even begin to imagine how I survived the long years until I met you."

"You survived because I was not yet aware of you."




"Robert, my love, why don't you care about what I am doing in China?"

"Julia, my dear, of course I care, but I'm busy."

"Robert it is high time you spent some time with me. Not only have I stood by your side for the last decade, and not only did I consolidate my share of our power -- unless you'd like to fight about who owns which asteroid and which of us deserves what planet or hydrogen bomb -- but, to be perfectly honest, I could murder you right here and now as we speak. I assume I don't have to?"

"My darling, I love you -- "

"Love is immaterial, my heart. I know you love me. Of course you love me. How could you not? What is important is whether you fear me. I have a thousand people at my command who not only will cheerfully murder you if I say so, but will avenge my death if I die. Robert, darling, my love, I promise you this, this one thing, above all else: you will not outlive me long. Should I die, under any circumstances, there are hundreds and thousands of people who have sworn that your death is more important than their own lives."

"My God, my wife, how could I ever even think of another woman?"

"Well, perhaps you could, but if you did, you would die before you committed your crime."

"I can't imagine a wife I could love more than you."

"Of course you can't. It wasn't an offer. It was permission to continue living. Which you have, provisionally, achieved."

"I never thought there was a woman who could love as ardently as I do."

"I know you love me, my darling. Are we done with your romantic ramblings? I have lasers on the Moon pointed directly upon your body if you fail to live up to my expectations."

"Mine are on Mars."

"I know, I had them destroyed already."

"Fuck."




"My love, whom are we going to destroy?", asked Julia.

"I feel that decision should be left to you."

"How charmingly rational of you; obviously you have placed great value on your continued existence. Well, how would you like to be the new ruler of Russia?"

"Russia? Why Russia?"

"The world is changing, my beloved. It's time we embraced the new reality. I think it's high time someone capable of handling the soon-to-be-former Soviet Union took over."

"My love, not only do I trust your choice, but I will stand by it right up until I am certain my robots have been successfully programmed to obey me and destroy you."

"I don't think I've ever heard anything more romantic than that."

"Hold me, before we try to murder each other."

"Of course, Robert, my darling. I will never love anyone the way I love you."

"But that won't stop you from trying to murder me."

"Obviously not, Robert. That's not what love means."




He scanned the letter, without opening it, just to be on the safe side:

"Robert, while I love you ardently, this is the end. Not the end of us, you knew that already. This is your end.

"I am going to destroy you; I promise you this. I will turn you into dust; your laboratory and your robots will be destroyed alongside you.

"I will not be second-place. I will not remain with a man who loves his doomsday machines more than he loves me.

"If we must be enemies, my beloved Robert, then we must. Rest assured that victory will be mine. Your final moments of awareness will be the realization that my lasers have destroyed you, or that my ninjas have ended you. There is no possibility of survival. And you know this, my darling.

"Robert, I won't offer you terms, because I know you won't surrender. So I hope you understand that I still love you, and I regret taking your power crystal and your eye. But I won't disrespect you by pretending that our end will be anything other than an honest end. A victory that I have won and you have lost. I love you, Robert. I will never stop loving you. But that won't stop me from killing you."






The Von Wicked Chronicles
by Excalibre and Evil Catullus

I remember when it was me who made you want to take over the world and enslave humanity
Latex. High heels. Knives. (Excalibre's writeup)
It's not my fault that I'm so evil
I was a teenage Overlord
Lady Deathblast's Lover
This little light of mine
The Thanksgiving battle
My funny villaintine
Robots and comic books
This wicked life
The education of little overlords
All things truly wicked
Darkness lights its own way
No rest
How it all began
Sometimes I think you love that doomsday machine more than you love me.
They are mine. They are dead.
There is a crack in everything
Hell hath no fury like a villainess scorned