To Bill Brasky! A ten foot tall, two ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!
Bill Brasky is a character to whom several Saturday Night Live skits are devoted. He is a giant mountain of a man who works as a damn good salesman by day and spends his free time doing many a manly thing. His testosterone levels are so high, he makes Charles Bronson look like Richard Simmons. His booming voice is so deep, he makes James Earl Jones sound like a Backstreet Boy. He does not allow society's standards to keep him from his manly pursuits. He does what he wants, to whom he wants, when he wants, because he is...Bill Brasky.
His buddies like to sit around in bars (once, a Little League baseball game and even a Chuck E. Cheese's), drink and reminisce about all the eclectic things Bill Brasky has done in the past. Even though some of those deeds were done to the guys themselves, they have a deep, yet manly, love and respect for the guy because he is everything they wish they could be. While their tall tales sound like yarns spun by a bunch of drunken loons, the resonant voice announcing the arrival of Bill Brasky and the glimpse of his brawny arm in the high up, over the shoulder camera view at the end of the skit lends credence to their claims. The effect is similar to Sauron peering down upon The Last Alliance of Men and Elves in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.
The following is a list of toasts and boasts made in honor of Bill Brasky:
"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"
"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"
"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"
"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky'... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"
"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."
"He sweats Gatorade"
"He once breast fed a flamingo back to health."
"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"
"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."
"He sheds his skin once a year."
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"
"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."
"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."
"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."
"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and, sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"
"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese."
"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."
"They found $60 in change in his stomach."
"He did all the makeup on The Planet of the Apes movie."
"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."
"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"
"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."
"He date raped David Bowie."
"He once inhaled a seagull."
"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."
"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."
"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."
"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."
"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"
"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"
"He has dandruff the size of mice!"
"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"
"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"
"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."
"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."
"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wesson."
"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."
"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."
"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."
"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracuda eating Neil Armstrong."
"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of The King and I? On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
"He breastfeeds John Madden."
"Brasky named the group Sha Na Na. They did NOT want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"
"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium."
"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."
"All the Yes album covers are Brasky family photos."
"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."
"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from Terminator 2"
"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."
"He thinks that Iron Man is gay."
"He framed Roger Rabbit."
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."
"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
"He uses Old Spice aftershave as nasal spray."
"He fashions graven images from frozen seawater."
"He brushes his teeth with a meat cleaver and rock salt."
"This one time, Brasky burned a CD with nothing but the sounds of his bowel movements and the screams of his manservants. It went triple platinum within the month."
"He owns the PAX network."
"He thought The Princess Diaries was both charming and sweet depiction of one girl's emergence from youth into womanhood."
"He made Styx BITE IT!"
"They say he bleeds peppermint vodka."
"Did I ever tell ya about the time that Brasky and I took a hot air balloon trip over Los Angeles? Brasky brings an atomic bomb and drops it on the city! Then, he looks at me and says, "It would have happened sooner or later."
"The movie Deliverance was based on Brasky's experiences as a kindergarden teacher."
"His memoirs are tattooed on Ruth Buzzi."
"He's producing Battlefield Earth 2"
"He recieves radio messages from Mars on his scrotum."
"His big toe is holding up Australia."
"He took The Blair Witch to his senior prom."
"He makes N'Sync keep Chris."
"He invented the Cleveland Steamer."
"Most people don't know this, but Bill Brasky has children! This one time, he was banging a hooker and wouldn't ya know it, his semen shoots straight through her tailbone, up through the ceiling and into the sky where it hit a plane! Nine months later, every woman on that plane had Brasky's children! When they tried to get child support... he paid it every month."
"His pubic hair was woven into the Sri Lankan flag."
"His favorite actor is Greg Kinnear."
"His middle name is Julian."
"He uses live elk for toilet paper."
"His cover version of Limp Bizkit's My Way appeared on the soundtrack for Titanic. The pope himself thought the song crackled with energy but he didn't like the sound of burning preschoolers in the background."
"Did I ever tell you boys about the time that Bill Brasky wanted a World Series ring? Wouldn't ya know it, but Brasky kills the entire starting lineup of the 1998 New York Yankees! All except Clay Bellinger. They beat the Atlanta Braves in four games. Brasky was the MVP."
"He pisses farm fresh orange juice."
"He makes his grandchildren call him "The Anal Astrologist"."
"His favorite contestant on Survivor is Teresa."
The Bill Brasky boasts were gleemed from http://planetwill.jt.org/media/characters/brasky.html and http://snlyou.jt.org/archives/01kjackblack/brasky.phtml
Permission to republish has been requested from NBC by dem_bones.
For Fair Use compliance purposes all writeups in this node are considered jointly -GrouchyOldMan.