I felt a need for some excitement tonight, so I drove up and down random streets yelling "I am one with the flying cows!" at regular intervals (idea)
|They think they control me. I've been their servant for so long; bringing them sweet grass, obeying their [whims], cowering and making sure to remind them that there are some things that [opposable thumbs] are neccessary for so that I can remain in some manner useful to them. They're so [smug]. And as long as I was cautious to play the role of good little [homo sapien] pet, they never suspected that I'm leading the [resistance] against them. I saw right through their [promises] of wealth and a new [elysian] age under their [benevolent] rule; what they really want is vengeance. Vengeance for every one of the billions and billions of [McDonald's] hamburgers, vengeance for every [cheese steak], vengeance for every cold glass of milk [schoolchildren] have ever gulped down. A part of me admires their [cunning] and moxie, but most of me just fears for [mankind].|
I was once a [respected scientist] at the university. My theories on [evolution] and [genetic drift] were well-respected by my peers. But the scientific community wasn't alone in noticing my work; they noticed. They approached me, and at first I was flattered. I was likely the first scientist ever directly presented with direct proof that other beings had achieved [sentience] on par with humans. At first their requests were humble; they told me they only wished to make certain adjustments in their genetic makeup so that they could adequately communicate with the rest of [humanity]. They begged me to withhold from publishing the information I had discovered about them until I could further augment them; they whispered about [Nobel Prizes], and out of greed and the call of [glory] I aquiesced. The first new generation of them was merely stronger, faster and smarter and I noticed nothing terribly unusual. I had a chance to stop it all then, when they were still weak and needed me.
Each successive generation grew smarter, faster and more powerful; but it was not until it was far too late that I began to notice other changes. They began to develop [canines] and teeth capable of shredding [flesh]. They developed bizarre abilities, [telepathy], [telekinesis], even [flight]. When the first of the missing [farmers] was found half-devoured, I realized that they did not want to join [humanity] at all, they wanted revenge. And their science had begun to [eclipse] my own theories, and I realized in white horror that they would soon no longer need me.
I began to funnel [information] to secret societies around the globe. I plotted their [movements], I kept notes on their meetings. I sabotaged and slowed their plans as best as I could, but there were few people I could trust with my information. Flying [man-eating] bovines, that sounds incredible to even me, and I helped create them. So I watched, pledged [loyalty] and waited for my chance.
Last night, everything came to a head. I realized that they were planning to make their move, as early as [tomorrow] morning. It was and is my duty to warn all of [mankind]. But how to pre-empt their attacks without being put away as a [lunatic]? How to get humans to shake off their [apathy] and take to arms? I realized what I must do. I still had some of the [serum] which helped the cows advance into their higher states, since it was constructed for their [DNA] patterns, injecting myself with it would transform me into a horrible, cow-like creature. During my states of transformation, I could warn people and they would at last believe. While they were all out to [pasture], I injected myself and jumped into my [automobile]. I shouted the awful truth at the top of my lungs and felt a grim satisfaction as humans came out of their homes in [horror] and shock. Soon, I will die as my body ceases to be a [viable] entity, but perhaps with my sacrifice and this [confession], I shall save all of mankind.
You must stop them before it is .. moooooooo!