I propose a solution.
- The toilet seat is screwed down, with the cover permanently affixed up.
- All guys piss in the shower. The more stuff they hit, the better.
- The toilet is used by the female gender for everything, and the male gender for defecation.
- Anyone wishing to worship the porcelain prince, must do so with the seat down. They need just flush it. Don't worry about cleaning up any mess you make.
- Anyone who wishes to pee standing up at this toilet, must learn to not hit anything but water. Period.
Now, I realize those screws could be driven all the way down and covered as to make it comfortable. However you must leave a few millimeters of the head out, just to bother anyone who sits on it.