My first day log...

I'm feeling surreal today. I'm fighting with my SO again. This is so messed up. I don't understand why we fight. I'll do something, intentionally or not, that irritates her a bit. She'll do or say something mean, and then totally shut up and not talk to me for hours. And even a day later, even if it's totally obvious that she shouldn't have done/said what she did, she refuses to apologize.

I don't understand that inability to apologize. I think I've gotten two sincere apologies from her in the year and a half long courtship we've had so far. We've had far more arguments than that. Unfortunately, I need closure. So I pester her about it, trying to get things resolved. But every time I do, she just gets more adamant and resolved to not talk about it. ESPECIALLY if I'm in the right. I can understand what's happening from a psychological perspective here, I just don't know what to do. Having her mad at me for a week until she calms down is sheer hell. Even though she doesn't have a constant level of irritation, it will continually resurface at bad times for a week.

And things are certainly not made easier by the fact that she's pregnant and going through living hell as her emotions go crazy and her body changes. I want things resolved, and I feel bad about needing that resolution. Exacerbating the problem is it's so hard to get her to talk... Ending about a month or so ago, we'd been having fights almost every day, for a month. What finally ended it was a huge fight where I finally got her to get past all of this petty crap that she keeps getting upset about, and talk about what was really bothering her. I was fearing the worst. Guess what it was? She was jealous because my job allows me to be flexible in my hours and even work from home occasionally. ??? So, we compromised, and I don't go in to work late any more except after a crunch time. The change in her behavior was so immediate and dramatic that I'm still in awe. Now it seems like we're having another slip back into argumentative mode... <sigh> How long before I can get her to talk about it this time?

Other general info... I'm rediscovering the music of my childhood. Leonard Rosenman's soundtrack to the animated motion picture Lord of the Rings. The Fellowship of the Ring was one of the first books I ever read, mostly because of this movie. I don't really remember my parents' taking me to the drive-in to see it at a very early age, but they love telling me about it. Apparently, I was absorbed by the movie. When Gandalf died, I started bawling, and when he reappeared later on I was jumping up and down screaming in joy. I can't help that the upcoming LOTR movie by Peter Jackson is too exciting for safety. I know I'll end up disappointed. I'm hoping for too much...

I think my general state of mind right now is a state of just-submerged fear. I'm afraid of what may happen to my relationship right now, particularly that a child is right around the corner. I'm nervous about the condition of the baby because my lover was taking some pretty serious migraine medication when we discovered she was pregnant. I'm afraid of the fact that my company dissolved the division I worked for, and I've been reassigned to a new area. I don't want to work in this new field, but I have to support my family. I'm afraid of the medical problems I've been having. I'm afraid of letting my fears run my life. I'm surpressing them, as much as possible. Is this wise? Do I have a choice?

But, I try to stay cheerful. It's too easy for me to slip into a downward spiral, and I've been there, done that. Not to mention that my lover certainly doesn't need that to deal with right now. Plus, my financial stability depends on impressing a lot of new people right now, so I can't really let anything get to me. Hehehe, this will probably end up being one of the points in my life I look back at as a low-stress period, if this progression continues. :)