West Cork Golf
Countryside Sport; Self-Improvement.
Equipment:
Durable gloves.
Two or more small stolen buoys, each with a length of stout rope attached.
Some Countryside1.
Tie a loop in the end of your buoy's rope, such that it may be swung in a satisfying manner.
All players amble into the rural area of their choice, and decide on an appropriate place to tee off,
and an object (usually a telegraph pole or similar) which is designated as "The Hole".
Wearing a glove, each player grasps the loop upon their rope in their preferred hand, steps up to the tee spot and begins
to swing the buoy, underarm, in a manner calculated to alarm his partners and gain suitable quantities of
kinetic energy. The player pictures himself as a burly Highlander preparing to throw the hammer.
The player spiritedly shouts "FOOORE!"2, and the buoy is released, ideally in the general direction of The Hole.
Meanwhile, the players awaiting their turn discuss the likely par3 for this Hole and swing their buoys impatiently.
Play continues in a sequential fashion. Players proceed to the resting places of their respective buoys and continue
projecting them violently towards The Hole. All players count hurls suspiciously.
When all players have reached and struck the Hole, a new Hole is chosen, with the old one as the new tee. Play
continues until all parties become bored, or nightfall if the players are not equipped with lanterns.
When the players have wandered back to the clubhouse4, scores are fiercely disputed. As in the crude game of Golf, as
played elsewhere in Hibernia, the lower score is the better.
Additional Rules
1: No buoy may be considered Lost or Irretrievable. Seabound buoys must be retrieved by means of boats or swimmers.
2: No combination of Tee and Hole shall be played more than once.
3: The Game proceeds across countryside regardless of private property or distance from Home.
4: Failure to shout Fore results in the guilty player being responsible in case of injury to bystanders for the duration of his Hurl.
5: The Hole may not be a fragile item liable to disintegrate with the impact of the first buoy.
6: Permission may not be sought from landowners to play across their farms.
Corollary: The Game may not take place upon land owned by the Players or their friendly relatives.
7: The game may be played synchronously instead of sequentially if all players are equipped with head protection.
1 The lumpier the better. Urban environments are also acceptable, though all injuries are the responsibility of the players.
2 Other words may be used. Suggestions include Fore, Raaaaaggghhh, Spoon and Forfucksakemove.
3 The par for any Hole is purely academic, as stipulated in Rule 2.
4 "Clubhouse" denotes any place players return to after the game.