Little Jimmy was
a good boy in every way but one. He always did what his mother told him,
he never forgot to tidy his room, and he even washed his hands before and
brushed his teeth after every meal, and even the Queen didn't always do
that. But every so often, with great furtive glee, he would sneak off to
the toilets and pick his nose. One day he even did it in school, at Assembly,
in the back row, while he listened to the Headmaster give a speech. It
felt so naughty, and yet so good! He knew it was wrong, but he just didn't
care any more.
He had been picking his nose for almost a year
when it happened that he needed to cross a road. He stepped up to the kerb,
listened for cars, looked right, left and right again, and began to walk
across the road. At that very instant, a double-decker bus came thundering
by out of nowhere and struck him dead. There is no moral to the story.
The Folly of Unconventional
There was once a
young man who found himself invited to a large gathering, where "black
tie" dress was required. Feeling frivolous, he set to work, and by the
time of the gathering had a suit made entirely of black ties.
However, as he walked up to the door, he found
himself surrounded by partygoers who had been turned away for want of a
black tie. As one they converged on him, saying that they only needed one
tie, and he had so many there, and soon his magnificent suit had been stripped
away to nothing. The doorman wouldn't let him in, as naked men are not
allowed into black tie parties.
The young man went home to consider his lack of
foresight, but on his way was arrested, and beaten and raped in prison.
He certainly learned his lesson.
The Man Who Believed
He Could Breathe Through His Anus
He died attempting
to demonstrate this talent. It was all the more ironic because he could,
in fact, breathe through his navel.
The Boy who Threw
Tantrums and Held his Breath
He lived, though
he was brain damaged through oxygen starvation and too feebleminded to
even get a job as a bin man.
The Little Girl
Who Told Lies To Incriminate Others
in the town where she lived was sentenced to death, and she was left all
alone. She never worked out how to use a can opener or drive a car, so
when the sweets ran out she was left eating mouldy bread for the rest of
The Little Boy Who
Wouldn't Eat His Vegetables
He soon contracted
scurvy and all his teeth fell out. His parents made them into a set of
dentures and sold them to a little old man with no teeth. With his teeth,
the little old man had voodoo powers over the boy, and made him eat his
The Young Lady who
Never Tidied Her Bedroom
Two small Eastern
European nations got lost in the mess and erupted into guerrilla warfare.
She was a civilian casualty.
The Boy Who Made
Eventually all the
other children in his school held him to his promises, and his family was
The Boy Who Pulled
While on holiday
in Cornwall, he found a cat on top of a tall cliff. He pulled its tail
and would not stop. He pulled and pulled and pulled. Suddenly the cat's
tail came off, as it was not a cat at all but a gecko with a fur coat.
The boy fell over backwards and tumbled over the precipice. He landed in
a safety net and was uninjured, but he suffered from post traumatic stress
disorder and could never speak again. The gecko grew another tail.
The Boy Who Would
Not Go To Bed
After a few days
his father slipped a Valium into his school lunch. He was much easier to
cope with from then on.
The Girl Who Refused
To Wear Mittens
On this occasion,
her parents were completely in the wrong, as it was midsummer and very
hot indeed. But she did reach out and touch a black car and burn her hand
The Girl Who Was
When there was no
food left in the house, her parents locked her up and ate in restaurants
every night and would not feed her. Soon she lost enough weight to be able
to move again, so her parents let her have rice cakes. And nothing else,
The Boy Who Was
He constantly demanded
attention and material goods, and burned things if he didn't get what he
wanted. One day he burned the house down to the ground. To finance the
repairs his parents sold him to a wealthy lady in China. He was to be a
The Boy Who Besmirched
The Good Name Of His Family
After a heavy night's
quaffing, carousing and lechery, all on his mother's credit cards, he arrived
home to find that his whole extended family had changed their names and
moved to Australia. All that was left in the house was rabid dogs.
They bit him, so he ran away.
The Girl Who Was
Both Seen And Heard
A passing wizard
put a spell on her, making her neither seen nor heard, and though she conducted
all sorts of mischief her life was devoid of all interaction and ultimately
The Girl Who Talked
She was quickly
discovered by a showbusiness agent and made millions, but was murdered
two years later. Which just goes to show that talking to strangers always
has dire consequences.
The Boy Who Played
His right hand became
stuck to his penis and fell off at the wrist. He begged the surgeons to
save it, so they grafted it onto his pelvis. He now plays with himself
all day long, inside his pants.
The Girl Who Hung
Around With Bad People And Performed Satanic Rituals
A mad Catholic priest
burst in on the ritual and killed them all, skinned the corpses, made a
suit out of the skins and ate the rest. He then said fifty Hail Marys and
begged for absolution and killed himself. He went to Heaven. The girl and
her Satanist friends went to Heaven too, as they were inside the priest.
But the bowl of cornflakes the priest had that morning went to Hell.
The Girl Who Ate
Her parents beat
her because it aroused them. They beat her with sticks.
The Boy Who Said
He sang rude words
in church and all the other boys laughed. Then he had a heart attack and
died, because he was a big crack-fiend.
The Boy Who Listened
To Heavy Metal Music
While helping an
old lady across the road, he narrowly escaped death in a traffic accident.
He ran all the way home to tell everyone what had happened and sat on a
scorpion. Fortunately it was unable to sting him through his chastity belt.
He wrote all about his experience in an essay for school and his teacher
gave him a gold star for imagination. He grew up to be a successful organic
farmer and donated all the proceeds to charity. He still died though. In
bed, at the age of a hundred and six. In the arms of his nineteen-year-old
mistress. But he still died.
The Two Children
Who Didn't Clean Their Fingernails Or Wash Behind Their Ears
The big bus where
they grow potatoes under the nails and behind the ears of naughty unwashed
children came to take them away, but they walked too slowly and reached
the bus stop just in time to see it leave. Instead they were taken away
by Jack the Ripper and Sweeney Todd and tortured to death. And made into
The Boy Who Watched
Too Much Television
He became pathologically
incapable of accepting reality, and was committed at age 12. When he died,
his parents danced the Macarena on his grave.
They never did "get it".
The Boy Who Would
Not Take His Medicine
He recovered without
it, but he left the full bottle of medicine in the cupboard. He grew up
and inherited the house and settled down to start a family. His two children
found the bottle one day and drank it and died. This sent him "over the
edge", and he went on a murderous rampage through the suburbs. He was gunned
down by forty police officers.
The Girl Who Stuck
Her Tongue Out At People
One day she stuck
her tongue out at a man across the street and a homeless street urchin
jumped on it and ate it. She went home and tried to tell her mother what
had happened, but she didn't understand because the little girl had no
The Girl Who Was
This girl refused
to wear the nice little frocks her mother bought her and was always out
climbing trees and fighting with boys. When she grew up she was unable
to find employment under the reactionary patriarchal establishment.
The Boy Who Played
With His Food
His parents used
their magical powers to turn him into a cat. He still played with his food,
but it wasn't any fun, as it was dead rodents. And fish heads.
The Boy Who Hid
To Avoid Having A Bath
Eventually his parents
got fed up and went down to the pub. While they were away the house burned
down. They washed his ashes when they got back.