Crabs, also known as pubic lice, are parasites which live in the pubic area of an infected person, and they need blood to survive, though they can live for up to 24 hours apart from their host. The good news for those interested is that crabs is one of the easiest sexually transmitted diseases to catch! There are any number of ways to accomplish this, with some obvious choices being:

  • Have sex with someone who has crabs
  • Have extensive non-sexual physical contact with someone who has crabs
  • Use their towels or wear their clothes (the infected person's, not the crabs')
  • Sleep in their bed
  • Borrow their jock strap
  • Frequent a gym or sauna also frequented by crab-infested persons (may require some research)
  • Get a big jar of crabs harvested from a willing host or stolen from an STD research clinic and pour them into your underwear (the direct approach)

Some less obvious ways to catch crabs include using an infected toilet seat (see the above note about the surviving for up to 24 hours off their host) or rubbing your beard on an infected area (yes, you can get pubic lice in your beard or your hair. You have to work harder to do it, but where there's a will there's a way).

If you come across the crabs in their egg or nit stage, just be patient, soon your crabs will mature and you should feel a nice healthy itch within a week. Avoid imitations - many people claiming to have caught crabs have in fact only caught fleas from their cat or dog! Once you are tired of your crabs, a simple cream is available from most pharmacies to eliminate them without unnecessary suffering to you or to them. Kwell, Nix and Rid are some of the more popular brands.