Plagued by pesky terrorists who just won't take MONEY for an answer? Fed up with endless bomb threats, guns, depressing news stories and a nagging feeling of guilt? Or just worried that unforeseen, uncontrollable, gut-wrenching TERROR may be just around the corner?
For large, undisclosed fee, Terror-Eze Ltd can alternately alleviate and enhance your symptoms of anxiety with the new, clinically proven and celebrity-endorsed Terror Alert SystemTM! With a range of easily recognizable colors ranging from soothing green to hysteria-inducing red, Terror Alert SystemTM keeps an eye on unwanted terrorism - so YOU don't have to. On waking up in the morning, the first thing any concerned citizen should do is to get online and check the Terror LevelTM of their city. Our patented color-coding system comes with a full guide to your recommended actions that day!
- Green: You are good to go! You will not die today. Enjoy life to the fullest.
- Blue: There is some Terror near your area, but the Boys In Blue are Looking After You! Please continue to go about your daily activities with only a minimum of fear.
- Yellow: Uh Oh! Looks like there's a little more Terror today than the authorities are usually prepared for. Nothing to worry about. Probably. Your horoscope for today says: Watch Your Back.
- Orange: Tell your family you love them before you go to work. Don't engage in unnecessary conversation. Your fear is justified and approved by several government agencies who are working hard to downgrade your area's Terror LevelTM. Terror-Eze Ltd would love to offer you comforting words but we are all taking a day off today.
- Red: DON'T MAKE ANY FUCKING PLANS, OK? CALM IS INAPPROPRIATE. YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TERROR TODAY TO DO ANYTHING BUT STAY GLUED TO CNN.
Terror-Eze Ltd is currently upgrading our system to provide for individual color-coding of citizens' clothing. Worried about lurking religious militants or suspicious packages? Just watch your Terror ShoesTM! As soon as you see a hint of orange or red on the logo of your choice, you'll know that it's time to start running. Fast. DON'T LOOK BACK.
Coming soon: Baby Terror AlertTM bibs and mittens. Remember: Don't panic. Unless we tell you to.
A couple of weeks after writing this, I discovered the following article on www.satirewire.com: http://www.satirewire.com/news/feb02/forecast.shtml
The color coded system was retired in 2011. There are now only two stages that we have to worry about and are defined as:
Elevated: Warns of a credible terrorist threat against the United States.
Imminent: Warns of a credible, specific, and impending terrorist threat against the United States.
Don't you feel safer now?