I attempted a coping device a school counselor told me to do. It's talking to myself. She said if I had nobody else to talk to, it's all right to talk to myself so I wouldn't have so many resolved issues in my life:
Hi again! Heya.. You're not okay, are you? Kinda. Sorta. No. I'm just tired and pissy and sick of people pushing me around because I'm shy and can't stand up for myself. Is there anything I can do for you? Banish a significant portion of the population? Chisel out my frozen and useless heart? Whichever sounds easier. I'm all right. I'm just a bit frustrated about life in general and how pointless I am because everyone thinks they can walk all over me. And they're right, so that makes it even worse. If you wanna do something, just keep talking to me. That alone helps a lot. I've tried to do the second, but I don't think I'm doing any good. You really must hate me for it. No, I'm just sorry I'm not a very good subject to work on. You really deserve someone a lot less screwed up than me. I'm weak to have let myself get so scarred by such a trivial thing, to let it destroy what faith I had in love. But now I'm so afraid of the whole thing. Love has the same allure that suicide has. Both offer such wonderful solace from this cold world, but I don't know if there's anything behind either. So both frighten me horribly, though they captivate me so. I'm really sorry about everything..
Don't be. I'm sorry for all I've put you through. I'm sorry for always being so confused about everything. I'm sorry for not being a stronger/better person overall. Sometimes what you wish for just teases your heart, shimmering just out of your reach. Your dreams lay ahead of you, taunting you with what can never be. THese things drive me insane because I feel so utterly helpless to do anything about them. And I hate that feeling so much. Yeah, but I don't matter And I need to re-evaluate that That was my New Year's Resolution: to stop being so selfish about everything. I need to let you be and do and feel whatever it is your heart desires,a nd support ou in everything. I didn't even make up a New Year's Resolution. I thought about it for roughly four seconds in a store and then dismissed it. You really don't have to worry about all that. I mean, it's always nice to know that someone cares, even if I am always melodramatic about everything. I just feel so bad about hurting you with all of this. I really worry about that a lot. What you need is someone who's a hell of a lot happier than I am and who will take away all of your worries. I mean, sure I'd have to get jealous for someone else taking your attention, but it'd be a lot better for you in the long run. But I don't care what's good for me. I want -you-. But I'm not worth it. Especially if you keep getting hurt over it.
I really hate when I can't put my fingers on something and make absolute sense of it. Which is actually at the root of a lot of my problems, including my shaky faith in God. What is "worth it"? And what is "it", anyway? I'd try to help you make sense of the world, but it, well, doen't make sense. I'm sorry. I'm not worth the time and the effort you spend. I really wish it did make sense. Or that I could just leave it be and have some faith in something for once. I wish that I could just believe that things would turn out all right. What would your ideal person be like, anyway? I know I've asked before, but I just lost what i was writing in my diary when the comp froze. And even if you do like me, I know I wouldn't be your ideal because there have to be plenty of things that could be a whole lot better. I once had an assignment for a class where I was supposed to rite something about an ideal mate. I skipped school the next day because I didn't want to do it. Upon my return, the teacher forced me to read what I hadn't written to the class, so I just read a passage from the Bible about the ideal wife; he then asked if that was MY ideal and I said that it was THE ideal, not mine. I don't think he understood. It doesn't matter what "could" be better. I don't think in terms of that for people.
I don't know people, I don't know emotions. All I know is that I already like you, and I like you stronger and deeper than I've ever liked anyone (or seen anyone like anyone; I'm not one of thoe blessed with seeing True Love in their parents or whatever). If "someone better" comes along, I don't think I'd like them. That person might be good on paper, but I just wouldn't choose them if I had the opportunity. I know it doesn't make sense, and I know it sounds sappy or whatever, but that's what I wrote when I started writing, so that's what I'm going to send to you. If you don't like it, ask me again at some other time and I'll probably write soemthing else. This is what's true for now. I feel like crying now after hearing all that. You know, I really am sorry about everything. I really don't deserve a friend like you. Thank you so much for being there for me through all of this. I know I can be difficult to handle at times. And I'm sorry that I can't think clearly enough to say anything better than this. It's okay. I'm just sorry I have to make everything confusing for you. You can stop worrying about it, if you want; we can just be Good Friends. I'm really sorry that you can't sleep. I could if I wanted to. I just don't feel like it right now. Jason's coming back tomorrow and I want to write some more of my pet story or my original story that I still want to get your opinion on. Do you think my recent increase in stories with transgendered themes is because I'm projecting things?