I spotted this nodeshell and ignored it for a while. However, it did start to annoy me after a while, so I figured I might as well fill the space.
This will take somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour and a half to do; it gets easier with practice. Also note that this is not the only way to do the game. A few parts of the game have more than one solution, and even though the game may seem rigid and inflexible, once you get used to it you can start trying to outsmart it. If you're unsure about something, consult the hitchhiker's guide Ford Prefect gives you when you arrive in the Vogon Hold.
When you start, it's dark. You're in your bedroom, and can't see anything so do this:
TURN ON LIGHT. GET UP. GET GOWN. WEAR GOWN. OPEN POCKET. TAKE PILL. GET ALL. S. GET MAIL. READ MAIL. S.
If you don't take the pill, you can't get the toothbrush or screwdriver or leave the room. If you don't get the mail you can't complete the game.
If you watched (read?) closely, you should be able to gather that your house is about to be demolished. Once you've taken the toothbrush or phone then you have to get out of the house before the bulldozer demolishes it. And if you take too long, the bulldozer will come along and crush you. Once you go outside the house, don't go back in or your house is crushed on top of you. And make sure you get the gown, the stuff in the gown, the toothbrush and screwdriver. You may or may not need them at the end, and it's a good idea to make sure.
Anyway, you're now standing at the front of the house. If you don't do this, your house is demolished and you lose the game. What you must do is:
Then keep doing WAIT until Prosser lies down in front of the bulldozer so you can go the pub; if you take the towel when Ford offers it to you, you lose the game. When Prosser lies down and you stand up, go:
And you should end up in a pub. Wait until Ford buys six pints of beer (three for you, three for him, this is so that the matter transference beams don't kill you) just:
DRINK BEER. DRINK BEER. DRINK BEER.
Drink the beer three times. One too many and you'll get drunk and die. Now, when you've drunk your beer:
BUY SANDWICH. E. GIVE SANDWICH TO DOG. N.
And you should be back at your home. It will have been demolished, but that doesn't matter now, because the Earth's about to be demolished. Just keep doing WAIT until the Vogon Ships come. You'll drop your mysterious thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is but it doesn't matter because it will always come back to you. Always. Anyway, once you drop the thing your aunt gave you:
WAIT. GET DEVICE. EXAMINE DEVICE. PRESS GREEN BUTTON.
Pow. You will get ripped apart, and find yourself in the dark. Whenever you are in the dark, if you WAIT four times one of your senses will start to function again. Then do the corresponding action. In this case, your nose is what starts to work:
WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. SMELL. EXAMINE SHADOW.
You're in the Vogon hold. Ford will give you some peanuts. Eat them:
Now WAIT until Ford goes to sleep. You need his satchel to get the babel fish and if you try and take the satchel while he's awake, he won't let you.
GET SATCHEL AND TOWEL. TAKE OFF GOWN. HANG GOWN ON HOOK. PUT TOWEL OVER DRAIN. PUT SATCHEL IN FRONT OF PANEL. PUT MAIL ON SATCHEL. PRESS DISPENSER BUTTON.
You will now have a babel fish wedged in your ear. Don't try and take it out, because it won't come out. If you forget to hang up the gown, put the towel over the hitherto unnoticed drain, put the satchel in front of the panel, or put the mail on the satchel, then your fish will either disappear through a hole or get taken by a robot. And the dispensing machine runs out after a few tries, too. Anyway, you will hear an announcement over the tannoy that two hitchhikers have been picked up, i.e. you and Ford.
Now you have the babel fish, you will be taken by guards to the Captain, who will read you poetry. But before the guards come:
This will tell you that to open the plotter's case you need to type in the nth word from the second verse of the Captain's poem. This will happen soon, and you will be brought before the captain and strapped into Poetry Appreciation Chairs. Once you see the captain start reading:
Then keep WAITing until he says that since you survived the first verse, he will read you the second verse as well. Now, when he reads the first line of the verse out, remember which word it is you need to remember. Then wait until just before the guard puts you into the airlock. While Ford Prefect tries to talk the guard into a career change, do:
where XXXX is the word that you gleaned from the Vogon poetry. You need to put double quotes around it, or it won't work and you'll get blown to smithereens. If you do it right, however, the glass case (rather boringly) opens. This means that you can:
Then WAIT until you are in the airlock. You can either keep WAITing until you are in the Dark, or you can PRESS GREEN BUTTON which will get you in the Dark slightly quicker. Once you wind up in the dark:
WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. HEAR. S.
Entering The Heart of Gold
After you "hear" the computer will say that there is an exit to port. It lies (and even admits it). Go south, instead. Since this is your first time here, you will be greeted by Zaphod and friends. You will be taken up to the Bridge (don't worry about the sales brochure you leave in the entry hatch) and can do pretty much whatever you like. Here's what we'll do (starting from the Bridge):
DROP ALL EXCEPT GOWN AND TOWEL. D. S. S. S. S. S. S. LOOK. LOOK. LOOK. GET RASP, PLIERS AND DRIVE. N. N. W. PRESS PAD. GET ATS. E. U. DROP RASP, PLIERS AND DRIVE.
You should be back at the bridge in exactly the same situation, but with the addition of Advanced Tea Substitute, a rasp, some pliers and an infinite improbability drive. Don't drink the ATS, because you need it to dunk your plotter in it:
PUT SMALL PLUG IN SMALL RECEPTACLE. PUT DANGLY BIT IN ATS. PUSH GENERATOR SWITCH.
Now comes the part which makes a linear walkthrough impossible, and can induce a mindfuck in people. Now read carefully, because this is important.
To progress to the endgame, you need to complete five scenarios. Each scenario has something useful within it which needs to be obtained. Each time you complete one of these scenarios, you will go into the dark. Do WAIT four times, then HEAR, then S and you will be back on the Heart of Gold. Go back to the Bridge, drop any extra crap you got in the scenario (but hold onto your gown and towel) and then TURN GENERATOR SWITCH to go back into the dark and to the next scenario. When you find yourself in one of the scenarios, follow the instructions for that particular scenario.
At The Party (Trillian)
FEEL. TASTE LIQUID. LOOK AT DENT. DROP WINE. (Until you pick up the wine again, the pushy hostess will try and give it back to you. Ignore her.) GET FLUFF. OPEN HANDBAG. PUT FLUFF IN HANDBAG. GET WINE. Now WAIT until Phil takes you away and you find yourself in the Dark again. Then WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. HEAR. S. You're back on the HoG.
SMELL. EXAMINE SHADOW. SAY "ARTHUR DENT". EAST. GET STONES. PUT TOWEL OVER HEAD. CARVE "ARTHUR DENT" ON MEMORIAL. REMOVE TOWEL. W. SW. GET INTERFACE.
LISTEN. S. GET AWL. WAIT until you wind up in the maze. Then keep going N until you come across a particle (this is your common sense). EXAMINE PARTICLE. GET PARTICLE.
EXAMINE LIGHT. LOOK UNDER SEAT. UNLOCK TOOLBOX. PUT ALL IN TOOLBOX. GET TOOLBOX. STEER TOWARDS SPIRE. GET OUT OF SEAT. Just WAIT until you land just by the dais and the autopilot kicks in, then go N. WAIT until Trillian comes along. When the guards wait for your orders, do GUARDS, DROP RIFLES. TRILLIAN, SHOOT RIFLES. E.
When you get back to the HoG, note that the toolbox and everything in it will be in the hatchway. Get the toolbox then take it up to the Bridge with the other stuff so you don't forget about it.
EXAMINE LIGHT. N. OPEN SATCHEL. GIVE TOWEL TO ARTHUR DENT. GO TO PROSSER. PROSSER, LIE IN MUD. S. W. BUY BEER. BUY PEANUTS. DRINK BEER. AGAIN. E. N. GIVE FLUFF TO ARTHUR DENT. HIT PROSSER. GET DEVICE. WAIT.
After You've Done The 5 Scenarios
Once you've done the five scenarios, you need to get the fluff, tea, and no tea. You will know when you've done the scenarios because your score will be 225 points. You can get tea and no tea because you lost your particle of common sense. Anyway. Go to the Nutrimat. It's in the Galley of the Heart of Gold. Then:
EXAMINE NUTRIMAT. OPEN PANEL. GET BOARD. DROP BOARD.
Go to wherever you left the Nutrimat Interface after you stole it from the Bugblatter's Lair. Get the interface. Go back to the Galley. Then:
INSERT INTERFACE IN NUTRIMAT. PRESS PAD. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. E. U. CONNECT LONG CORD TO LARGE RECEPTACLE. PRESS GENERATOR SWITCH.
Pow! The nuclear missiles should turn into a whale and a flowerpot. Go to the galley. GET TEA. E. U. REMOVE DANGLY BIT FROM ATS. PUT DANGLY BIT IN TEA. DROP TEA. OPEN TOOLBOX. OPEN HANDBAG. GET JACKET FLUFF. GET SEAT CUSHION FLUFF. PUT ALL FLUFF IN GOWN. Now. We want to get into the whale. But first, make sure you have all the fluff in your (open) gown pocket and the thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is. Then keep turning the switch. Now that you've dunked the plotter in tea, instead of ATS, you have a little more control in the dark. If you don't like the sense, you're able to use, just WAIT and it will change.
When you go into the Dark by turning the generator switch this time, WAIT until you can feel. Then FEEL. If the liquid is warm and squishy, do TASTE LIQUID, and follow the instructions under Sperm Whale. Otherwise, come out of the Dark, or keep trying.
TASTE LIQUID. PUT ALL FLUFF IN FLOWERPOT. PUT FLOWERPOT IN THING. DROP THING. Now keep doing WAIT until you go splat and wind up in the dark. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. HEAR. S. U.
Now you are on the ship, on the Bridge. Keep WAITing until the mysterious thing returns. Do INVENTORY now and then to check. When you get the thing back:
OPEN THING. GET POT. W. You should now have the plant, on which is some fruit. GET FRUIT. EAT FRUIT. You will now see what Marvin will ask you for. Look around for the tool you need. If it's not on the bridge then it will be in Marvin's pantry. If you do see the tool, then GET it, since you will need it in a moment! Once you've gotten the tool, do this (assuming you are currently on the bridge):
Opening The Hatch
I. Make sure you have the correct tool. GET TEA. GET NO TEA. You can do this since you lost your common sense, as I've mentioned before. D. S. W. OPEN DOOR. Now don't go into the pantry yet, or you die of depression! DRINK TEA. W. The good feeling drinking the tea gives you enables you to survive the depression levels in Marvin's pantry.
If you've got your tool, do MARVIN, OPEN HATCH. If not, GET (TOOL) , then do MARVIN, OPEN HATCH. Once you've told Marvin to open the hatch:
DROP ALL EXCEPT (TOOL). E. S. D. E. WAIT until Marvin comes. When he asks for a tool, GIVE (TOOL) TO MARVIN. He will open the hatch, and then to complete the game:
The contents of this writeup are in the public domain.