It all started around two years ago. Thing's were going great; I was doing well at college, had a job and had the most loving and beautiful girlfriend a guy could ask for that lasted for four years, the only thing I had to complain about were the fights I had with my parents. I see myself as mistake and a burden on my mother.
My mother was young when she had me, nineteen actually. I'm twenty one now and I cannot comprehend what having a child must be like, so obviously I have a high respect for her. She worked hard to support me and put a roof over my head, fed me and brought me up well. Something has gone extremely wrong. Maybe it's a trait passed down to me from my dad and his dad, now my dad was by no means a horrible person he had a lot of issues with alcohol and depression and this led to him being a selfish, bitter man.
Around two years ago, mid 2008. I found myself thinking about death, a lot. So much so I had frequent panic attacks and found myself unable to sleep. I started spending days at a time in bed, missing college and missing or being late for work. Things came to ahead in late 2008 when my girlfriend at the time, split up with me. I managed, for a brief period, to sort myself out and she managed to give me a second chance. I had a relapse. I went back to the same waste of space loser I am, and she broke up with me again in January 2009, only this time it was for good. I begged and pleaded with her and god (at the time I had a faith) to take me back, it never happened. I was deserted by everyone, even god.
Things went bad to worse during 2009, that was my darkest year yet. It was a year of loss, pain and anguish. If not losing the love of my life wasn't enough, I had to lose my dad, my job and my home. Like I said, I hadn't seen my dad up until this point for 8 solid years, give or take. I received word he was in hospital with cancer, brought on by years of excessive drinking and smoking. I went to visit him, out of compassion. That day had an effect on me, I could never have prepared for or thought was possible. I found myself, after his death. Missing him and remembering all the good days we spent together. I regret strongly, even though it wasn't my job, not seeking him out sooner and sharing those lost 8 years with him. Ive been left with guilt.
The home situation got better, I found a nice flat and have enjoyed all 9 months living her. Im being evicted. Why? Because "the system" thought giving me half of the actual rent would be good enough. My landlord had agreed he would accept this, until I find a job. Though now he's finding himself financially hurt by this and is having to kick me out. I have found a job, though it's commission based and I find it extremely hard talking to people, never mind attempting to sell products to.
All these events have left me unable to be happy. I find myself looking at other peoples lives and looking at how happy they all are, including my ex-girlfriend and hating every single one of them. I don't know why I deserve all this pain and anguish. Maybe I was Hitler in my former life, or maybe It's just my destiny to be unhappy and broken down in life.
In April of this year, I went to a party and ended up drinking a lot more than I can handle. Leading me to lash out against somebody for reasons I can't recall. This led to my best friends ignoring my existance and I do not blame them. All I want to do now is go to sleep and never open my eyes again. I see no point to all this chaos and pain. I have nobody, I have nothing and I can guarantee I'll never ever be happy or find love again. I have no skills and absolutely no talent, nothing to give and nothing to lose.
There is no god. If you believe otherwise, you're deluded.
Life has offered me nothing, but given me nothing but pain. My only questions are, why? and will things ever get better? I really want nothing more than happiness, that's all. To most people this may seem like such a trivial thing, but to me. It's everything. I want to love and care for others, but find nothing but faults with everybody or I envy them to the point I want to physically hurt them. Im extremely worried about myself. I don't know what to do.
At the moment I literally despise life, I hate breathing and the annoyances each day brings. I want a break. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don't get what is so attractive about being alive, and I find this highly worrying. Something is wrong with me and I don't know what or why this is happening to me.
Im sorry If I sound self pitying. I just needed to vent my pure hatred for living somewhere, a place where I won't be judged and maybe hopefully start a dialogue with somebody who can relate or I can relate to.