Now that spring is hopefully upon us for those living in the upper hemisphere, I think it is time we had a little talk about umbrella etiquttes. Now most of us have never heard of such a thing, and therein lies the problem. Please try to keep this in mind the next time you are walking down a rainy street with your pink hued umbrella.
  1. Do not move your umbrella like a retard. This involves swinging it by your side, in front of you, behind you, basically anywhere other than above your head.

  2. Do not prance in any form when you have your umbrella. Walk, run if you have to, but no prancing and no skipping. Remember we are not living in a movie and as much as you think we need to see you "dancing in the rain", we in fact do not.

  3. Do not, under any circumstances twirl your umbrella. The point of the umbrella is to keep water from hitting your head. Now, if we were to twirl, it would splash water on our sides. This is where we are not protected. Therefore, unless you are freakishly tall, DO NOT TWIRL. Not to mention it makes you look like an idiot.

  4. Please look UP when you are walking down the streets. I know this is a thing you over look now and then and it is acceptable I guess. However, if you don't look up, how do you know you are not walking into somebody? Collisions with umbrellas are an ugly thing, not to mention walking into other obstacles.

  5. If you see someone walking down the street coming towards you either with or without an umbrella, lift your umbrella up. We, the umbrella-less people, do not appreciate having the sides of our face scratched by your umbrella. Not only does it hurt like a bitch, it also reminds us that we were too stupid to bring an umbrella. Ahh, I can hear you say, what happens when everyone starts lifting their umbrellas? Well, this can be solved by decent courtesy. Do not wait until the LAST MINUTE possible to raise your umbrella. This is not a game of chicken folks. Raise it ahead of time. And smile, letting the oncoming person know that you know how to behave with an umbrella.

  6. When buying an umbrella. Please buy rationally. If you know you'll be walking by yourself most of the time, please buy a small umbrella. No one needs your huge pink abomination blocking the sidewalk. Along these lines, please buy an umbrella that WORKS. An umbrella that has been blown inside-out doesn't really work, not mentioning it makes you look like a fool.

  7. When you get to your destination, retract your umbrella and shake off any excess water. Rooms are nice on a wet day because they are DRY. By bringing in a wet umbrella, you are making life difficult for the people around you, as well as for the caretaking faculty.

  8. Now lets say you have done all of these things. And yet a person who is irrational and lacks all common courtesy still hurts you with his or her umbrella, do not sink to their level. Simply say "excuse me" and walk on. There is nothing that can be accomplished by an retaliation. Hopefully, another such individual will teach them the joys of being splashed or scratched.

Now, after learning all of these rules, it is hard to see how anyone can have any problems with umbrellas. They are a joy and blessing to our modern day life. Their designs glimmer in the rain, and their patterns are embedded in our minds forever. Well, maybe not forever, but they can leave quite the scar.