Should write at least a little something. After all, I've got a mind to say things, but a mind too tired to attempt getting into anything deep, or researched. If my book doesn't arrive (from
Amazon.com)
tomorrow, I've got a couple of things to node. Hopefully
Node For The Ages type stuff. At least, it is
in my eyes. But I've got a few things I want to do. A couple things I want to say to you, reader.
Right now.
I want to be able to comfort my aunt Angel, who's going to die because her hepatitis C cannot be treated. Or something like that. I don't claim to know what's going on with her. She's been taking these herbal body cleansing] things that make her feel excellent, apparently. I wanted to tell her, "Angel, look. I know you can't get that new wonder drug test list thingie - but you've got to fight now. Being a stick in the mud, and giving up will allow the disease to run rampant. Well, you've got to fight. I'll help in whatever capacity I can. We're all going to fight."
I think what I want to do is sit down with everyone - being my mother, her boyfriend, my daughter (who's just a baby, but still. Want her there for emotional support; those who have kids know what I'm talking about), daughter's mother, aunt, and uncle. I want to tell them all my thoughts. I want to tell them that I'm phenomenally sick of this pansy-ass run-about shit I see them doing. They aren't being as active about them helping themselves as they should.
I'll explain in short, as best I can. Angel has Hep C. It's in its dangerous stages, in which it becomes very, very dangerous. She's in what doctors say is the six-months-left-to-live zone. But I don't believe that.
My mother had kidney cancer, but it was removed in its primary stages, and thus, even though it has a high probability of returning, she has a pretty decent chance of it not returning. She is also bipolar (like Angel and myself), which does nothing to help things. Anyway, mom's been getting these migraine headaches and hallucinations (which are not funny. There is nothing funny about seeing a cat jump across you that you know isn't there), and she's been showing signs of both psychopathic behaviour and schizophrenia. Now, I know that both these situations are rather dire. I know that it can happen that a time comes in which it becomes impossible to help or change the course of an ailment. But at the same time, I think, I'm going to make a difference.
And honestly, I'd like to be able to chalk it all up and blame it on the lifestyles they had, coming from a family in which there was major, harsh sexual abuse, causing the bipolar disorder and various issues with the female reproductive system. The hepatitis can be chalked up to drug use, perhaps, or blood transfusions. But it seems that she just "got" it, which seems rather unlikely.
I'd like to be able to blame those things. I can't. I can't blame anyone, which in fact creates a bizarre peace within me. I've researched and researched these things, but my researching skills are lacking, admittedly. I'm a bright guy, but my reading comprehension and other suchlike things are lacking. I refuse to believe, that in both these ladies' situations, that there are dead ends to be had. I don't believe in the dead and. Sure, in the Sylvia Plath sense, in the Buddhist sense, I know there is an end to all life, that we will all eventually die and go to Heaven, or come back in a new form, or transmigrate, or transcend, or transfigure, or whatever. I believe in the dark sanctity of death and the peace it brings, but I refuse to believe that there is some "greater good" at work who robs us of those who teach us, those who change our lives with every word they say. It will happen to all of us, I know, we will all die. However, I also believe in the essential validity of love, and that humans are resilient, communal beings, that often need said communion more than we've been taught to think, or believe. It's fair to assume we owe it to our loved ones to aid them in all capacities possible.
And Everything2, believe it or not, is a brilliant medium for such things. So, I have a proposal to make. While I don't believe a writeup like this one merits being titled, in the context that it constitutes an "essay," or a "thesis," or anything like that: from a format standpoint, it's nothing. A chain of linear thoughts jumping about randomly. But I'll admit I'm going to break the usual formats that happen here in E2. I ask for an Everything Quest-like item. Remember those? Though out of vogue. Here is the difference: this has nothing to do with XP, or GTKY, Noding for Numbers. Node For The Ages is an exception; perhaps this is the penultimate Node of the Ages. it has to do with those you love, keeping them alive, keeping them here, so you don't have to resort to memories and the cold way in which memories fade away. To nothing.
Tell your friends about this node. Then, tell them about the node you wrote on the subject you chose. Get them to read all related in this fashion, though I believe everyone should be reading everyone's nodes in the first place (it's what they're there for, after all). That way, we can all get in on what I propose below. Frankly, I don't give a shit if you upvote this, downvote this or what. I doubt that in this circumstance it matters. As I said, XP is irrelevant. (Sidenote: Upvote this if you think it's good. Downvote if bad. Format/spelling/syntax/grammar/punctuation wise, anyway)
What I propose is for everyone to think of those experiences analagous and surrounding the one I just spoke of (in your lives) - the strange instances in which our family members die, or will die, or are dying - and catalogue them. Not just the story in your life akin to the one I just spoke of. I'm talking about the things you learned meanwhile. If your situation was anything like mine is - and I presume to know absolutely nothing about your life and your experiences...come to think of it, that's the basic point of what I'm talking about - you'd probably had talks with your relative/friend/lover. You probably talked at great length with your person about what their ailment did to them, how they are now, and most importantly, how to cope. And come to think of it, maybe that's what this should be called: HOWTO: Cope.
Anyway, I hope I've made some sense during all this. I just want my mother and my aunt back. They're the only ones who've loved me during my life. And I don't want to lose them. At least, not yet. Not until it's time. And friends, we all will know when the time is; to think otherwise is stupid. Unwise, even.
Okay, so in short form: Let's find out what's killing, or has killed, those we love. That's the quest I want to send you on. I know I'm not much, that I'm being very personal, but I'm not being opinionated, not really, and I feel that we owe it all to ourselves to try a little harder. Thank you very much for reading this, I'll let you get back to a day's noding without further ado. Good day, good night, happy noding. It's like I told a friend once about life, after I'd gotten off chemical:
The ride's kinda bumpy. But the sights are pretty cool.