Am I supposed to want him to live?

My father had his second stroke last night. He is in a hospital in Spain, in the intensive care unit, on a respirator. My mother told me that when he first arrived they thought he was dieing, but today another doctor seems to expect him to wake up some time soon. I don’t know what this stroke will do, but his previous one took away a portion of his eyesight and caused some movement problems on his right side.

He had always been a very active person, always mending something or adding something to the house or working late. He didn’t slow down much after retirement, took up golf, always had something to do. He is now 78. This last year since his previous stroke he has seemed a lot older, more fragile. He has had to struggle with everyday things, like making coffee. Most of what he used to do has been left aside or taken over by mom. He hasn’t been the self-reliant handyman any more, and I think it has hurt. He always prided himself on being able to do stuff himself, without help, even taking it to extremes: building a summer house and an extension to it himself, doing all the clearing of trees for it, doing all the plumbing and wiring...

I am presuming he will be more disabled this time, unable to care for himself. I think he will feel humiliated by the amount of care his condition will require. Mom said he would hate being in a wheelchair, dependent on others to clean him and so on.

She wants him to live though, no matter how. She says that’s how love is; she wants to keep him with her no matter what. I don’t think I agree with her, I think she is afraid of being left alone. They have been together over half a century.

What do I think? I am stuck with two things: I love mom and want her to be happy, and for her I want him to get better and stay with her, but I love dad and am afraid he would hate what his life had become. Maybe he wants to let go.

Am I supposed to want him to live? Am I supposed to want him to die?

I don’t know.

Waiting is