- Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
- Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
- Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
- The blues are not about limitless choice.
- Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
- You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
- The following colors do not belong in the blues:
- You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong.
- Good places for the Blues:
- the highway
- the jailhouse
- the empty bed
- Gallery openings
- Weekend in the Hamptons
- No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
- Do you have the right to sing the blues?
- your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
- you're blind
- you shot a man in Memphis.
- you can't be satisfied.
- you were once blind but now can see.
- you're deaf
- you have a trust fund.
- Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
- If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
- Irish whiskey
- muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
- Any mixed drink
- Any wine kosher for Passover
- Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
- If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.
- Blues Names
- for Women
- Big Mama
- for Men
- Little Willie
- Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
- Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
- First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
- Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
- Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
(N.B.: I did not write this; I merely saw that it must be immortalized on Everything. The name of the author is unknown. -- Deborah909)