There are some things that I don't think I will ever understand, no matter how many times someone tries to explain them to me. One such thing is what it means to be bipolar. I have asked so many times and every time I ask I listen to the explanation, trying to understand what it really is. I listen intently to each word and each word by itself sounds important but when you put them all together they don't have any meaning at all. It's as if bipolar is a term that someone made up just to scare me into thinking that normal people are crazy.

So far I have been told that bipolar people have mood swings. They swing between highs and lows. The highs being full of energy and the lows being depleted of energy. Well duh, doesn't everyone do that? I know that if I had a burst of energy and I used it I would be really tired afterwards. Do you think Greg LeMond was rejuvenated by the Tour De France? I don't know but I am willing to bet a huge amount of money on him being really tired and wanting to get some rest afterwards. Yeah, I know that's not the normal average day for him but still, so I get a little excited about life and I wanna do stuff and I spend a whole day awake. And then I sleep for 10 hours. What's wrong with that? People in the military are actually trained to survive on three hours of sleep a night. So what if I have become accustomed to staying up for an entire day and then sleeping for half a day? Why is this such a big deal?

I am not a very creative person. My only slightly creative outlet is this, bitching about my life. So why do you have to take away the littlest bit of creativity I have and label me crazy? I don't think so honey! And what is so wrong with enjoying life, being excited about life? What's wrong with having an inspirational moment and running with it, only to rest later? What's wrong with pushing yourself? What if Greg LeMond had stopped after the fourth stage and said, you know what, I'm tired and I'm just gonna stop and take a rest.

I don't think most people do have a problem with any of this, it's the fact that I don't appear to have any ambitions in my life. Well you know what they say, you can't judge a book by its cover. I do have ambitions, I have a lot of them. But somehow I am not on the right track. I keep waiting to find out what the right track is, where it is and how to follow it. But the answers haven't come yet. I have been trying things and expirementing, but I always seem to come to the same conclusion: this is not the right track!