Went back to the old apartment today. I was in town for a close friend's
wedding. I wonder when I will finally get over the need to drive by all our old apartments. I spent a good five minutes parked underneath the window of our first apartment. Every apartment I went to I became fascianted with the windows. I found myself thinking, on the other side of that window is where we used to sleep every night. That's what I miss the most...sleeping with him. Falling asleep in his arms, kissing him goodnight and knowing that he would be there in the morning. There really is no lonelier time than night time. I cried again. When will that stop?
I spoke with a good friend today, over Denny's french fries. She told me that she sometimes wonders if she married her husband because he reminds her of one of her ex's. I worry about that myself. I worry that I will fall in love with someone just because they remind me of him. Sometimes I think that maybe I will purposely not let myself get involved with someone because they remind me of him too much. But most of the time I just think that I won't ever fall in love again....
The wedding was one of the bestest I have ever been to. All my friends were there. I was originally supposed to be her bridesmaid but then we had a bit of a problem between us and she asked me to 'take another role' in the wedding. I took the role of ordinary guest. It hurt me when she asked me to step aside but I was gracious about it, reassured her that it was her wedding and I would be cool with anything she wanted. I wanted her wedding day to be perfect, and it was. Those two are an amazing couple. The best man gave an awesome speach. It was a day for seeing the beautiful side of everyone I knew. So many friends were there that I hadn't seen in practically forever. There was a very gentle, tender feeling about the crowd. We all had missed each other so much, none of us realizing just how much until it was time to say goodbye again. It's such a shame how people have to move so far away. Here's to the nights we felt alive, Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, Here's to goodbye, tommorrow's gonna come too soon....too soon...I miss them all so much already and it hasn't been an entire day since I last saw them. But one of the most beautiful parts of our friendships is our ability to connect as if we had spoken just the day before. I got so many warm and fuzzy hugs this weekend. I wish that I could store them all in a bottle and pull them out one by one as I need them.
Driving around Rochester made me wish again that I could move back. It's kind of the same urge as the urge to drive by the old apartments, uncontrollable. I went to Dibella's and had a sub for the first time in about four years. It tasted better than anything I have ever eaten in my entire life. The good news is the manager of the store said that they might be opening a shop here in the Albany area. Sometimes I feel like visiting Rochester is torture. I still think of it as home and I love feeling at home there. And did I mention that I miss about a million people?
I chased after a bunch of boys this weekend. Not really chased, more like kinda sorta chased. I was goofing around, looking for some attention. But then I found one boy that I actually liked. He's someone I have known for awhile, someone that I have always thought was attractive, and I had an idea that he could be sweet and thoughtful but it wasn't until this wedding that I really saw how sweet he could be. He gave a great speach, and he looked mighty fine in his tux! But I don't think he would ever be interested in me. I told him before I left that I hoped that he would find the right girl, and that if he didn't to call me:) I meant it. But I don't think he would be interested....oh well...that's what crushes are for...to crush you. I'm just happy that there is someone out there that I might actually possibly consider intersting. I think what I like about this guy is that he's built perfectly. He's taller than me (not all that difficult a task to accomplish but hey....) and he's huggable! He gave me more than one super comfy warm, safe and secure feeling hugs. I love being hugged. I really think that might be my favorite feeling in the world. But anyway, I've got a silly crush....silly is definitely the word, but that's ok. Silly can be good sometimes. But I will try not to think about it too much, cos there's really no point in letting yourself dream about such totally unplausable things.
Maybe next time I will skip over the apartments...it has been almost three years....