I think I stopped sleeping because of my
dreams. I used to have the most beautiful dreams but in the last year or so I have been having extremely sad dreams. Dreams that leave me wishing that I just hadn't gone to sleep at all. Dreams that
mentally tire me out.
My life has been getting better, I am happier lately. And just as I unconciously made the decision not to sleep as much, I have unconciously decided to sleep again. I have been getting almost six hours of sleep in the last few days. But this time I slept for an entire 16 hours. And the dreams are back.
This time I dreamt that I saw
Marty. It's so strange how in my awake hours I don't feel affected by Marty's death anymore, the
tears don't readily spring to my eyes, yet a simple dream can make me feel so miserable. I dreamt that he was here and he coldly and unemotionally told me that he didn't love me and that he hadn't loved me for quite some time before he died. I know that this isn't true, I know it isn't. But
dreams are so real, they feel, look and smell real. And it's hard to not believe it, when he isn't here to tell me it isn't true. And I cannot stop thinking about him, I cannot stop hurting. Dammit, it was all going away, finally. But now I can't...I just want to cry...and I don't think I will be going to sleep tonight. I don't know if I can take it...