I think I stopped sleeping because of my dreams
. I used to have the most beautiful dreams but in the last year or so I have been having extremely sad dreams. Dreams that leave me wishing that I just hadn't gone to sleep at all. Dreams that mental
ly tire me out.
My life has been getting better, I am happier lately. And just as I unconciously made the decision not to sleep as much, I have unconciously decided to sleep again. I have been getting almost six hours of sleep in the last few days. But this time I slept for an entire 16 hours. And the dreams are back.
This time I dreamt that I saw Marty
. It's so strange how in my awake hours I don't feel affected by Marty's death anymore, the tears
don't readily spring to my eyes, yet a simple dream can make me feel so miserable. I dreamt that he was here and he coldly and unemotionally told me that he didn't love me and that he hadn't loved me for quite some time before he died. I know that this isn't true, I know it isn't. But dreams are so real
, they feel, look and smell real. And it's hard to not believe it, when he isn't here to tell me it isn't true. And I cannot stop thinking about him, I cannot stop hurting. Dammit, it was all going away, finally. But now I can't...I just want to cry...and I don't think I will be going to sleep tonight. I don't know if I can take it...