I had another appointment with my counselor today. I have been in a pretty decent mood lately. Things seem to be going alright. I am really excited about this job prospect out in Rochester. To think, in a few short weeks, I could be away from my parents, making money and working my way towards getting my RIT degree again. You'd think I would be happy, and I was...
But then I went to see my counselor. I was excited, I thought I was finally ready to take my life in a direction other than the wrong one. As I began to speak to her I could hear myself. I was speaking quite rapidly, something normal for someone who is excited about a new possibility. But then I heard the words of my family: Debbie, you're talking really fast! said in that foreboding foreshadow of doom. The implication of crazy mania loomed above, around and through me. Suddenly I became aware of every single word I said and I found myself focusing on slowing down my speach to the point that I was so fixated on controlling the speed of my words that I couldn't think of the next word to say. I couldn't remember what I wanted to talk about, I couldn't get a single complete phrase out. I just stopped talking in midsentence and began to tear up. I can't stand that I have to constantly monitor my own behavior for fear that someone might thing I was going mental on them. I don't think there's anything wrong with me, but then again no bipolar person can ever admit that they are bipolar.
My greatest fear is that someone will tell me that I am bipolar and they will make me take medication. I was on Depakote for 6 months and I don't think I have ever hated my life as much as I did then. I slept for 23 freakin' hours a day. And I made sure to tell Kathy this. I told her there was no way I could handle being on that crap ever again. Her 'good news' was that they wouldn't put me on Depakote, they would probably put me on Lithium! Ahh!! If that isn't the scariest sounding thing you have ever heard please stand up, please stand up, and put one finger on each hand up.
Please let the record show that I, Debbie, being of semi-sound mind, hereby proclaim that hell will freeze over before I will submit to taking Lithium!
So here I am, sitting in her office, all excited about this new life decision I have so bravely made and all I can think about is, Am I manic today?
And just what the hell does it mean to be manic? Could this just be another manic monday? And why can't it be just another manic monday? Am I not allowed to have ups and downs anymore? How can I be normal if I am not allowed to be normal? What's up with that? In fact, I am so annoyed that I have just decided to end this node. Goodbye!