I miss my dad

As many of you know my father passed away on November 12, 2004. He had been in poor health and had to undergo many surgeries throughout the last 4 years for various reasons.

I was brought up in  a Christian household, we would attend church faithfully every week. My parents both held a variety of positions in our church. They always taught us that we would go to heaven if we maintained a certain way of life.

I am glad that my father is no longer suffering the horrible pain that he was in, no longer crying out in pain and in hunger. However, that does not make it any easier knowing that he is gone. I thought I had this under control, thought I could just accept the fact that my father is in heaven and be happy for him. I am happy for him do not get me wrong, but, I feel so empty inside right now. I can not sleep at all, I have only slept about 1 hour a day since his passing. I lay awake at night when everybody else is asleep, crying out for my father.

The night of his funeral I was sitting in my bedroom crying and saying "if I only had one more chance to see him, to hug him, to tell him just once more that I love him, then maybe I would feel better". Then I remembered that I had that one more chance and did not take it. My wife and I had visited dad in the hospital that day and had to leave early to go run some errands. On the way home Harmony said "lets go see dad once more before we go home", I said "no I am tired and just want to go home, we will see him tomorrow". This led me to go into a meltdown I guess you could call it. It hit me so hard that I did not and still don't know what to do about it, all I could do is sit and bawl like a little baby.

The one saving grace in all of this is the fact that when my dad was awake one day in the ICU I took the opportunity to tell him that I love him and that I could not have hand picked a better father. I know this made him feel good because as a parent myself, I know I would love to hear that from my children someday.

Another thing that is helping me get through this is the fact that Harmony and my dad became very close due to the fact she helped take care of him when he was bedridden for almost 2 years and she helped get him back into good health again. He told her many times that he thanks God that she was there to help make him better and that she was an angel for doing it.

So that is where I am right now,  wandering aimlessly throughout the day and trying to cope with the heartache at night. I have to be strong for both my wife and my family, but, my wife and family has also been strong for me.

Together I think we will get through all of this, but, that does not make the pain, heartache, loneliness and depression any better. A friend of mine asked me the other day if I could bring dad back would I, my reply was no if it meant that he would be in the pain he was in.

I guess I am just rambling on, but, I had to get some of these emotions out of me... the more I can talk about it, the easier it is to cope.

Thank you for letting me ramble.