Well, that's done then.
It's over. Half a year after applying for enlistment in the Air Force, after being disqualified for high blood pressure, then retesting and paperwork shuffled from office to office until lastly the final verdict came through: Permanently Disqualified.
That means I can never apply again. And so my hopes of an easy way through this so-called life are dashed. What am I to do now? All I have is this lower-end German high school education, and that's what employers want to see: something on the paper. What I truly capable of is unimportant as long as it isn't written down and signed by someone.
I want to get out of Germany. I want to move to the US. I want to go to college and learn something while I'm still able. But I CAN'T. I have neither money nor qualifications. All my life I looked down upon the proles, upon the uneducated masses who do the grunt work of civilization. Now I am about to become one of them. The thought makes me sick. Had I just had some more motivation in high school, things might have turned out for the better...
I hard as I try, I can't see any real future for me. No way to become a respectable geek, a web designer or network administrator. For such jobs you need degrees.
I don't think I can make it, working in a McDonalds, in a factory or something like that. I just wouldn't be able to stand it, day in-day out the same routine, the same menial work for the next 40 years. I'd rather die than do that, and that is no lie.
Oh Aki...if only I could hold you, feel you, love you. Maybe someday you could be mine...
Update 19.08.03: Things may be looking up...I'm in Florida now, and on my way to going to community college. After that...UCF? We'll see...
Update 03.05.04: Well, now currently IN community college...in Orlando...living with my girlfriend. Fucking insane. I hate this dump, but I'm on my way, baby!