“If I could do anything right now… I would probably kiss you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think. But I have no guts, so I don’t think it’s going to happen. What would you do?”
“I think I would go to Thailand.”
“That’s not the right answer!”
“
Then…I think I would kiss you back.”
It starts maybe with you noticing her in a class or a crowd. You don’t know why but she stands out. From that point she is everywhere, and you don’t have trouble staring at her for minutes at a time. Her presence, it consumes you, and you wonder if maybe she notices you at all. You decide she doesn’t, but still secretly hope that she does. Then you start making eye contact with her, and it doesn’t feel weird at all, just good. She makes your day when you see her, and you don’t even know her name. Nothing and everything at the same time is contained within her eyes, and you can’t stop digging. You forget yourself in her every time she appears. Maybe, you meet. And that’s when it begins, like a landslide following a long spring rain.
From there it flows. It’s a very concrete feeling, opening yourself up to someone you don’t really know and being liked. In most cases you won’t even dream of risking yourself in such a manner. But sometimes, the time and person are right and everything becomes very clear. There are things you do and things you don’t, and the only thing you don’t do is let go. Even though there is no real telling how well things will turn out in a week or a month, her smile tells you that it doesn’t matter in the least. A cuddle and a kiss on the forehead will keep you going for days, but it never lasts that long. The constant urge to see each other wins out, and every day there is hastily allotted time, the rest of the day partitioned awkwardly around it. It’s the only slot that matters. Everything else is optional. It can be delayed, cancelled, it’s just not as important anymore. School, friends, every aspect of your life that is not THIS life comes second.
And that’s ok. In fact, that’s absolutely beautiful.
There will be time to make up for it. No problems that can’t be fixed or eventually avoided altogether. The only problem that is an issue is the one you don’t consider. Everything is perfect up to that one point. This change can come sooner or later depending on how observant of a person you are. She notices him, but do you? And if you do, are you smart enough to avoid the problem completely? While I’m not sure you can really avoid it, you can at least try. I didn’t. I worried, but in general didn’t do anything soon enough to have an effect. But then I couldn’t compete. He always has things that you don’t have. Plus, it’s weird. And you can’t do much about that, because it’s not you, it’s her. He is on both of your minds, but for different reasons. You can’t really do anything but try to maximize the time you have. The moment this is allowed to begin is the moment everything begins its end. It is the moment that defines this life as a memory.
Once this happens, usually some time you’re not there, the real descent beings. ‘This’ can be almost anything. All it needs is to match a couple of simple criteria: First, it has to be something that you can’t do. Also, it needs to be a little exorbitant, or at least seem that way to her. Third, of course, it needs to be centered at least partly on her. Once this thing happens, whatever it may be, the relationship is complete. She will decide that she needs to make a decision. Things will be more “weird.” You will try to do amazing things, things that used to make her smile, but they won’t anymore, or at least enough. The difference between how it was before this event and how it is afterwards is very easy to represent. Before, you have the controlling share in the relationship. You are the important party, the one that really matters. Afterwards, you only have a semblance of that. He calls the shots and she’s making a decision about how to deal with you instead of him.
Before, she would hang out with you over everything, but now that’s no longer the case. You will be left with many hours and nothing to do but think about how it was before. Now you’re deep into the descent. You love her, but this progression has turned that love into something horrible, because it seems very apparent to you that your love isn’t enough; and you don’t have something that she requires. Not only do you not have it, you don’t even know what it is, so you can’t change. Because you would change. You would do anything required, just to take things back to where they were. Additionally, he does have it. He has it and her, and you’re in the background. A nuisance, because whenever you’re around she doesn’t feel right. She doesn’t want to kiss or hold you any longer, but you still can’t do anything but think about the smell of her hair. She doesn’t touch him, but that’s only because you exist. You’re the problem now.
From this point it’s only a matter of time. A matter of time before she actually makers her decision. A matter of time before she kisses him. A matter of time before you don’t get called back. A matter of time before she tells you. Then, it’s only a matter of time before you accept it. This is the hardest part. You’ll dream her smiles for many nights, but there’s no point. She'll never smile for you again.
Goodbye Emily, I will love you for many days to come.
but never give up hope
everything can change in an instant
and what you have may be stronger than you think
but probably not