This is not a very good node to read, but it's got to go somewhere. Thank you E2.
Last year was one of the best, and worst, of my entire life.
The end of a two-year relationship, my first, that went sour and horrible and wrong. The tail end of a sickness that started the year before, related to the aforementioned relationship. Throwing up every day for three months isn't healthy.
My academic work has suffered, my personal life damn near drowned in a sea of tears, and sweat, and vomit, and alcohol. I found out that I was an addict. I'm over it, now, but the temptation is always there.
I had to, for the first time in my life, totally shatter somebody's hopes and dreams. To crush their soul. Ruin their life. Hear them cry every time I closed my eyes for months. They got over it. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.
My university is asking me why they should let me back in their hallowed halls. I have very few reasons.
I have found a wonderful girl. She loves me. I love her. It's beautiful. She has given me the happiness I thought I'd lost, taken my fear of emotional involvement and thrown it away. I am saved!
I have found goals. My life so far has had no goal, no purpose. I know what I want to do, now.
I have a wonderful family - this year I've talked to them more than ever before. I was afraid to grow up and not know my siblings, but now, I have friends for life. Unless they piss me off. Hah.
I have cactii.
I have, for the first time in what feels like a long time, hope, joy, and inner peace.
And, here, a Captive Audience of good people. Ta.