This is a nodeshell challenge that I took upon myself when I found it.
So there I was, in the middle of a pet store, on a perfectly sunny day. No big deal, right? No big deal my ass...
Perusing the aisle where they kept the food for gibbons, (mine had grown hungry lately) I saw a food marked Glass Monkey!!!. The picture on the front was of this bug-eyed monkey who looked like he'd been sucking the glass dick a little too much. My reasoning, that included a good deal of "Ah, what the hell." took me to the counter with this food in hand.
Now here's where things start getting weird. As soon as the lady handed me the receipt, my gibbon, who'd been sitting patiently in my shopping cart, yanked the bag of food out of my hand, tore it open, and downed the whole thing right there. I thought this wasn't such a big issue. It's better that he eat like mad than bite my leg or something. I bought another bag of food. Same results. "Steve, you're starting to get a little more expensive than I think you're worth." I said scoldingly to the furry little guy. Then I noticed that his eyes were getting wider, and he seemed to be breathing heavily. Hmmm... I grabbed one of the crumpled bags of food and began reading the back of the package.
Warning: (Ahhhh... shit, I thought), this product may cause undetermined side effects in gorillas, coyotes, gerbils, monkeys, chimps, chipmunks, lions, bears, elephants, gibbons - gibbons... (Goddammit... It was the only word I could think of. Goddammit; a string of them, from here to infinity, that one compound word that proved two things. One: I was in some serious shit, and two: I had forgotten the third commandment once again.)
While my brain was processing all this, the gibbon had attended to its own agenda. There were rodents all over the floor, and the lady behind the counter was freaking out. I jumped up on the nearest table and started throwing things at the door so as to staunch the flow of tiny, furred mammals into the rest of the mall. My gibbon was nowhere to be found. I ran towards the back, where the food and the fish were. All the Glass Monkey was gone. My mind was blown. All of a sudden, the fish tank next to me exploded, little colorful aquatic life and shards of glass sailed above my head effortlessly as they made their journey to the other side of the room. A rat bit my foot, and I jumped, getting gouged in the temple with a shard of glass, and getting a guppy stuck in my eye. I flipped the guppy out of my face with my left hand, and used my right to reach down, grab the rat, and toss it to the lady behind the counter, who had grabbed a big broom, and was attempting to curb the rodents' egress with it.
The rest of the fishtanks exploded as I was about to help the lady, and then I saw my gibbon. From its back there had sprung new appendages that I'd never seen before. These hideous protrusions could easily be recognized as tentacles, like octopi have, only, they didn't have suction cups, and they were covered in jet black hair like the rest of my gibbon. But then the unexpected happened.
Gibbons are known for their beautiful singing, indiginous tribes often referred to them as the voice and soul of the forest, but my gibbon let out the most hideous noise I'd ever heard before that moment. The blast from his lungs was so powerful that I was thrown up against the shelf behind me, and I crumpled to the ground as the pain of a metallic slice from being pressed up against it so forcefully shot through my body like fire. The monkey then leapt over me like so many bad ninja flicks, and landed in front of the lady behind the counter, with all the malevolent intent of the criminally insane. I pushed myself up onto one arm and then to my knees, while at the same time, like the worst anime ever made, he ripped off her skirt and shirt. I, having seen enough, ran towards him to try and stop him but a furry black tentacle zipped out from his back and pinned me to the ground. Rodents, apparently having managed to snag a little bit of Glass Monkey themselves, began to attack me ferociously, tiny colorful fish slapped the ground next to me, suffocating in a frenzied death, and my gibbon... My ever damnable gibbon was raping the cashier with his tentacles, I'd had enough. I began wriggling until I could get a hand free. Supposing that if these rodents had eaten the food, if I ate them, maybe I would accomplish the same genetic alteration, maybe not.
I started with mice, popping a few into my mouth and, after just biting to make sure they were dead, I'd swallow. I did this a few times, and then noticed something, if I crushed the mice, the food was still in their stomachs, half digested. I was inspired. I started grabbing gerbils and inducing them to vomit (1-handed even...). I ate the food (what else was I going to do?). And then, after a slew of little fuzzy critters lay sick, dazed, or dead at my side, I felt my body beginning to change. I didn't look any different, but I felt like I'd just had a good night's sleep, like I'd had a couple drinks, and like I'd just had a 2-liter of Jolt Cola all at once. I wrenched my other arm free from the monkey's tentacle that was pinning me down. Then I kicked with my legs, hard. The tentacle ripped out of his back and the monkey spun with crazed eyes to look at me.
I looked at the monkey, assumed a defensive position and yelled at the monkey, "You are not ready to face me!" The monkey's tentacles pulsated with fury, as if to say, "We shall see..." He blasted me with a howl that knocked the wall down, revealing the latest issue of Ball-Shaving Lesbian Triplet Carnival that happened to float down from the wreckage of the adult video store behind the wall. This time I stood firm. In fact, after he did that, I deftly kicked a gerbil off the ground, and dislocating my jaw, swallowed it whole. I could feel energy surging through my body and, looking down, I could see that there were at least 20 or so rodents attached to my legs, glowing. I smirked at the monkey and crossed my arms. A tentacle shot out and I batted it away, effortlessly, then the next came, but with ease I threw the tentacle to the side.
Of course, it's always when you get cocky that bad things happen. In this particular situation, a tentacle that I hadn't been paying attention to grabbed the cashier by the leg and flung her at me, knocking me into the adult video store and across a stand up ad for Face Jam, a recent spoof where some woman is sent to... That doesn't really pertain to this story. Sorry. The Monkey jumped through the hole in the wall that I had enlarged with the force of my impact. I grabbed the cashier and made my way into the main thru area of the mall where I set her down, then I blocked the entrance to the adult video store, the gibbon standing near the hole in the back. I yelled out to the guy working at the adult novelty shop without looking at him. "This place, does it have bondage stuff?" "Uh, yes sir." "Get every damn bit of it. The future of this mall, if not so much more, depends on it." The worker complied quickly, and as the gibbon threw out a tentacle to stop him, I jumped in with superhuman speed to intercept it.
I grabbed the first tentacle and another shot over my head, I jumped and caught it with my other hand, as another came rushing past, I reacted with more agility than I knew I had, placing the first between my feet and reaching out to grab it as I fell towards the ground. I then proceeded to tie these together. Making a solid knot of his tentacles. I then jumped for the ape, and as fast as he could create and throw new tentacles at me, I grabbed them and tied them to his face, slowly increasing the chances that he would suffocate under them. He was struggling with a strength I'd never felt before when the worker came back with all that tape. Quickly, dextrously, I wound the tape around the monkey and had him in a tight little bundle as fast as I could. The monkey, still struggling, didn't seem to want to give in so easily. The bundle that I'd picked up jumped out of my arms and hit the ground rolling, it looked like it was choosing a path, and it rolled into a corner and started pulsating. I watched, entranced by the impossibility of it all, and watched as he emerged from his cocoon, a completely new creature, some form of amorphous solid, a creature that posessed only anger and bad will. And it could talk.
"Cease this struggle human" it hissed at me. "Never!!!" I screamed as I made another charge at my former pet. A black, dripping tentacle flashed out from the form and slapped me in the face with a wet *Thwap*. The goo from the tentacle seared my face, it felt like I'd poured Tabasco sauce into a deep cut, and then massaged salt into it. I screamed out as I fell to the floor, shivering. As I wondered what I could do to stop this thing, I noticed one of the glowing gerbils detach itself from me, and levitate, spinning, towards the gibbon-apparition. The monster slipped quickly to the side, but not before the gerbil had combusted itself and sent chunks of brown fur into the black mass. The monkey let out a howl, straight up in the air, that caused the ceiling to cave in, and he leapt outside. I followed suit. "I know your weakness now you fiend!" "You can't stop me" "Ha ha ha... We shall see." I tried testing him at first, rushing in, but blocking didn't work extraordinarily well, seeing as he still caused my arms severe trauma even if I successfully angled off a direct hit.
I nabbed a handful of gerbils off of each leg, and, leaning into the throw, tossed them in the direction that the monkey was heading, making a rough circle on the ground. The monkey changed direction in mid-air though, and I was forced to do what I really didn't want to. I grabbed a gerbil in each hand and rushed the monkey for one last attack. I grabbed him, my hands shook as if I'd forced myself to grab the metal of a boiling pot of water, and he must've felt the same, as the gerbils were causing him much distress. With all the might in me, I threw him down, and then, as I made my descent, tossed as many gerbils as I could at and all around him. They detonated like a fireworks show in the daytime. People going to their cars from the mall all stopped and stared as the horrific creature I used to call my pet gibbon met his end at his master's hands.
I landed on the ground in a kneeling position, one hand pressed a full 5" into the pavement of the parking lot, and stood up, dusting my hands off. Then, shaking the remaining gerbils from my legs, I walked off towards my car.
to be continued here