Also, prime real estate for your average drug lord. You know, the Columbian type: Think Marlon Brando, only dark, with a thin mustache and dark sunglasses. And a snappy white suit.

The compound itself must have high walls, and very stupid guards who converse to each other in Spanish. Helicopters are also a plus, as are machine gun towers. The most important aspect, however, is large crates of drugs. You know: cocaine, heroin. However! In order to avoid detection from the federales, the crates are labeled "cafe". That, for all you uneducated, is Spanish for coffee. Thus, the drugs are disguised as coffee. This devastating ploy has been most effective in repulsing drug agents, leading to an embarrasing string of failures in drug busts.

Interestingly enough, just as drugs are always labeled as coffee, the reverse is also true: anything anyone tries to pass off as drugs is really just coffee grounds. Don't be caught unawares next time some skeevy guy comes up to you and offers you pot: it's coffee. Trust me.

Do your part for the American way! Anytime you see a container labelled "coffee" or, even worse, "cafe," destroy the evidence! Most drugs are very flammable, so feel free to just light the sucker on fire. The fate of the free world depends on it!