but only for a moment...i had some 25 writeups nuked while i was gone. among them, some very touching commentary about my brothers. doesn't matter, really. no one wants to know.
niall is leaving for las cruces on wednesday. again, nothing i can say, nothing i can do. i sit, i watch... "From here, you'll watch the world go by, and doesn't it look sad..."
yes. it looks very sad. too bad i can't feel it. i almost wish i could take part in the seeping grey sadness that has infected this part of reality lately. but i can't...i can't care. i try, and nothing happens. i've been told i'm brave, been told i'm cold...it's really neither. i'm just...no, numb implies some sort of shock to the system...empty implies some sense of loss. i guess it's not what i am, it's what i'm not, and right now, even that is hard to hold on to.
i remember being sick. i remember being angry. i don't remember why. i'm certain it's quite irrelevant...or maybe it isn't. maybe if i could understand it, i could feel something. i suppose i am feeling something, though, to be honest. it's a wild sense of wonder...everything is so random, so unconnected to anything else, and yet it's all related if i take the time to look...but why look too long? the world is spinning in some last dance of manic glee before it collapses into the usual heap. i can see it, and i can know it, but i can't join it.
i wish i were on drugs so i could stop taking them.
i'm very sick, and i don't understand what's wrong. if i could make the body well, perhaps i could think properly again.
i'm tired. very tired. i'm tired of the terrorists, too. i think i would like to talk to them, to make them understand how good it is to be alive and to feel...having lost it, i can speak well of the presence of uncontrollable mental and physical response to external stimulus. i burned myself today. an accident, bt one it took a few moments to register. yes, i would like to teach them what it is like here, inside this sensory-deprivation flesh. praise allah, indeed, sir. you can feel pain. you can fervently desire. i could kill an enemy and take no joy in it, feel no remorse, or even a sense of job well done. be glad you can still enjoy what you do.
yes. i have become something else. i have become apathetic. i remember reading about the grey waste in the planescape books...i suddenly understand.
i am in no position to have an opinion at this time.