is it wednesday already? looks like i missed some time. more time than i thought...i missed a few wednesdays...

I haven't really been right since mid-May, I guess. thisbe fell in love with someone else, but i guess i owe her that, and then she went on a jaunt across the mediterranean, from which i'm still waiting for her to return. i keep waiting to hear that a plane went down coming back from istanbul. i miss her, him, all the things it could be, every time it turned its head.

i'm frightenend that too much time has passed tor me to go back to anything that i was. I have to go back and attempt to reclaim the remains of a class i dropped out of, this june, when my health ran screaming for the hills. turns out that it was all a bunch of functions spawned from fibroids in the uterus...i'd say benign, but how benign is anything that lands you in the hospital and consumes your short-term memory, on the tail of most of your carbohydrates? how benign is something that turns you from a diabetic into a hypoglycemic in the course of a week? it might not be malignant, but i'd settle for belligerent

well, i had the thing out on monday, so i'll live, and i'll go back to life as i remember it...i think...but i don't remember almost a month, in any sort of proper fashion. i've become apathetic. i can't care that i have no money, that i might not make rent, because my insurance won't touch anything but cancer being removed from that part of my body. i can't care that i may have wasted $600 on a class i might not be able to make up. i can't be bothered with my favourite online game, or with eating, or sleeping, or much of anything... this is the first burst of motivation i've had in weeks, and i'm using it to write this.

i write this so that if anything goes horribly awry, there will be a record. i write this because i keep losing pieces of my mind. it's really astounding how much memory, personality, and functionality tumour-induced hypoglycemia can destroy. i know my name, i know where i live, i know what i'm supposed to be doing, but i can't care, because i don't know who i am.

i came back here, because i'm hoping what i've written here will help me remember what i've lost.

i'm really really afraid.