i went to hell today again...

sunday, i died. or at least i came so close that the difference is nearly negligible. it scared the living shit out of me.

let me explain: i'm diabetic, and occasionally, when i'm not paying attention i'll suffer from extremely low or extremely high blood sugar. in this case it was low. now, the brain requires to basic inputs to operate -- oxygen and carbohydrates. with low blood sugar, there are only minimal carbohydrates available to the system. so it all came down like this:

i woke up from a nightmare about fighting for my life against some unseen enemy, and i couldn't separate myself from the dream entirely...reaching for the anti-tank weapon that hadn't come out of the dream with me, fighting the conviction that all my bones were broken. i had a clue what was happening, but it was faint, and hard to hold on to. the only food i could see near me when i woke up on the couch was a jar of olives on the coffee table. i tried to open it and eat the olives, but with nearly no muscle control, i only succeeded in flipping the open jar onto the couch, spilling the contents everywhere. then, i had a seizure.

as i lay paralyzed, i could hear the assassin's voice in my head telling me to relax my muscles, which is not easy when you can't breathe. desperate to reach the kitchen, i rolled off the couch and hit the coffee table on the way down, apparently taking the ashtray and a heavy laptop case with me. i realised i could no longer remember where the kitchen was, and the world was spinning at an alarming rate. the distance between my body and the objects around me shifted rapidly and arbitrarily. i got dizzy and nauseous watching the room crawl, but i remembered the phone. if i could get the phone, i could get an ambulance. i found the phone, a portable, and managed to turn it on. hallelujiah! sadly, i could not see well enough to dial. shit. i tossed the phone aside and had another seizure, which filled me with a quiet peace.

the voice of the assassin returned, suggesting i shout for help. as soon as i could breathe, i tried. i could hear my neighbours climbing up and down the stairs, laughing and talking in their apartments. the walls here are paper thin. i remember hearing the couple two doors down have an argument one night. i screamed unintelligibly. unintelligibly? wait...i had been certain there were words, but my mouth wouldn't make the shapes for them. i hoped if i screamed enough, someone would at least come knock. no one did. i screamed for what i believe was almost an hour. i had another two seizures.

during the first i was still trying to scream, and i refused to hear the voice, but during the second i heard him again. "can you get the door open?" he asked. the idea was that if i could lay in the doorway, someone might see me, but when i got the door open, it was too cold, and i was certain i'd die of frostbite before i got help. "fuckers," i tried to say, but what came out was "fuuz..." i realised only i could save me, and i started looking round as best as i could, hitting my head on the floor several times when i got dizzy and fell down from my crawling position. i started cursing like a sailor, trying to get the adrenaline up, thinking it might give me he strength to keep fighting. thankfully i was right.

the miracle came when i fell onto a box of protein drinks i had neglected to put away after i came home from the store the previous evening. i tore the box open and chugged one, cackling like a retarded hyena. i laid down, had another seizure, and then drank another. i laid on the floor and laughed until i could see. then i crawled weakly toward the phone, and called niall. he was having dinner with some girl from out of town, he said, but he'd send clovis, an emt of our acquaintance, to pick up the pieces. i looked at my watch and waited.

clovis and agate showed up at 19:00. looking at the time of a missed call on my caller id, we suspect i came awake to the sound of the phone at 15:15. it had been nearly four hours. not wanting to leave me alone, clovis and agate waited until i stabilized, during which time, niall and his friend showed up, and we all went to a party which involved many waffles. yay, waffles.

see, sometimes this shit does have a happy ending!

i don't care if monday's black...

monday was less traumatic. i went to sleep at 4:30 monday morning, and got up like a gunshot at 6:30. i cleaned my house for several hours, thanking every god i could name that i was still alive. damn, i like being alive. around tennish, i phoned the assassin, and we got into a mad two hour conversation about the nature of death, the oddities of small children (he was babysitting one), and the joys of anthropology. that was oodles of fun. i love talking to intelligent people. especially when i'm alive. i suspect i'd enjoy it less if i were dead.

later, salem and the assassin came over, and we talked about music and people. theoretically we're in a band, or something. salem played keyboard for a while, and then passed it to me. it was a good scene.

i sat up fairly late with the assassin, after salem left, and we talked about music some more, and also about the nature of mankind. i introduced him to the trance mix of beethoven's fur elise. he fell instantly in love with it, much as i had. it is damn good, and i wish i knew what artist was responsible for it. he was joyfully baffled by boiled in lead. if you've heard them, i'm certain you'll agree that that's the correct response. all in all a wild and amazing time.

send lawyers, guns, and money...

this morning, i had to be in the district attorney's office at 10:30. i had a meeting with the defendant's attorney, and my own counsel. i refuse to say anything unpleasant about the defense attorney at this time, but man, catch me when it's all over, and i'll have some words for you. choice words. ::eyebrow_raise:: but until the shit has made it all the way through the fan, i really ought to keep my mouth shut about the proceedings. suffice to say, we are going to trial. i am afraid. i am right, but i am afraid.