today, i am seized with a grim sadness
, a feeling of loss, of being touched by the dead
, only to have them slip away again. i'm not the only one to feel it now, or the only of years past; it is merely a dim echo of some other great tragedy
that ripples up the timeline both ways.
over the last night, i read imajica again. second time i've bothered, and i know why i waited so many years to do it again. it's the sort of story that tears the life out of me. reminds me of things said and done that i was happier having forgotten, but the memories bring with them a bleeding sweetness. it's like watching myself destroy my own happiness again and again, but this time, knowing it will happen, and being unable to change the path. hopefully, the reminder will keep me from trashing my life again. maybe it'll just induce me to do it more quickly. time will tell...
i'm sick again. the kind of sick that can really only be repaired through action, joy, and good food. i just can't seem to find enough motivation to fix myself, and with every day that passes, i become less motivated, and more sick. and the more sick i become, the more frightened i am. not that i won't get better, or that i'll die of this, but frightened of other people. i don't want anyone to see this. i'm afraid i'll lose any tiny whit of credibility i may have gained in my ten years here.
but i have two days of working my ass off in which to make things right again. by friday night, all must be well, or i may have seriously screwed up, once again.