three years ago today, two kids in colorado shot a whole shitload of their fellow students. at the time, i was outraged, but sympathetic. i'd thought of doing rather similar things. there is a breaking point in every human psyche, a time when there are no more rational options -- when it becomes kill or die. there are only so many impacts that a human skull is meant to take in the course of a year, and some of us had taken more than our share.

i find it sad that those who were killed probably did not know why they were dying. had i finally snapped and actually killed people, i'd have made damn sure that each and every one of them had a full understanding of what had set me off. it's uncouth to slaughter the ignorant. luckily, i did no such thing, tempting though it was.

let me relate the story of an acquaintance of a friend who met an unfortunate end at his own hands recently. he was a normal, happy kid, who did his share of taunting the freaks, including my compatriot. in the end, he left a note addressed to said compatriot, which read "i'm sorry i teased you so much." it was his own conscience, i suppose, that finally got him.

i have little to say on it anymore. i'm in college now, and the only difference is that here i can go unnoticed in the crowds. the ones that notice me treat me in a very similar fashion to their high school counterparts, but i'm getting too old for this shit, and i hardly take the time to look disdainful. but i'll tell you, looking bored and disdainful while being walloped in the head is a skill. i cried all my tears years ago.

rest in peace, eric. you were family to my youngest brother, and you will be missed.