I went grocery shopping. This is the time honored tradition in which once every two weeks I actually leave my house and go shopping. I don't know, maybe I'm doing it wrong, but the grocery store is something I don't understand. I never have, and maybe I never will.

I'm the guy who looks totally out of place at the grocery store. My cart wobbles and the wheels jam and I always seem to be in the way. I don't know where stuff is and I end up going from one side of the store to the other multiple times, trying to avoid people the entire time. I try to buy the obvious items, things I get every trip. A gallon of skim milk, but I can't find it. It's sold out. I go to buy chips and I'm faced with a wall of choices.

I find myself in the wine aisle and I'm comparing wineries and prices and types, when I suddenly remember I don't drink wine. I've never bought wine, and I have no business doing so.

I finally decide I should get some ham for sandwiches, but should I get deli ham, prepackaged ham, or fresh cut prepackaged ham? Eyeing the line at the deli, I decide that fresh packaged ham will suffice. But do I want cooked ham, smoked ham, or honey ham. I stare at the choices for an eternity, not knowing which I should choose. I'm jolted back into reality by a young girl who accidentally rams her cart into me while her mother is elsewhere. For just a brief second, I believe I was invisible. If only I could have stayed there longer.

Finally I decide on smoked ham and prepare to buy produce when I realize I forgot to buy mayonnaise. But that's on the other side of the store. Off I go.