Vending Machine Dillemmas
- What do I get? - Why does this taunt me so? Faced with a glass-fronted vending machine, packed to the gills with food I like, I suffer instant option paralysis. To overcome this, I've begun picking items by the numbers/letters that cause them to vend. For example, 139 is a list of ascending multiples. 151 is a palindrome. In 257 all the numbers are prime. C3 is viable, as C is the 3rd letter of the alphabet, etc. Something at position 184 is frankly unjustifable. Of course, my personal node-food (Rowntree's Fruit Pastilles) just happens to be at position E2.
- Oooh! There's a bar/packet/roll sort of half-dispensed! - Okay, calm down, start breathing. Is it actually something you like? Occasionally I've rushed to take advantage of this situation and been lumbered with two bars of chocolate raisin yak, or something else suitably grim. Another tactic is to dispense something you actually *want* from higher in the same column, and hope that it knocks the original item down. Then it doesn't matter if you're yak intolerant - it's free. Go do something decadent with it.
- This thing didn't vend! - Shake it. Go on. No, wait, don't shake it, that's what I meant to say. Vending machines crush hundreds of impatient people every year. This would be an excellent allegory, if it weren't for the fact that lots of people get killed. A Fonz style light knock on the side won't do any harm, unless the machine is alarmed. The best option is to go and find some form of admin staff who'll have keys, or otherwise accept the unsatisfactorary result. It'll make up for all the times you've benefitted from someone else doing this.
- This damned machine won't accept my coin! - Spin it as you put it in. It still probably won't work, but it makes you feel cool. Check that the machine doesn't want exact change; in this situation it may spit out big coins. Occasionally, you'll have to accept that some machines don't like certain coins. So pour salt water in the coin slot instead. (see Ripping off soda machines). If you're fighting with a note-reader (for non-UK residents), don't bother. They are evil.
- Ack! The item I want is on a row behind a chocolate raisin yak bar! - I offer no solution to this one. If you're jonesing for that particular item, then I'd recommend buying the item in front just to get at your heroin. Nothing else will satisfy you.
What a fantastic device. It provides food, and teaches people
harsh lessons in the value of
patience. I demand to know why none of them offer milk, though. Perhaps I should move to
Japan.