Often, a couple of years ago, I would write love letters to the mailman. I went all out. I got out frilly stationary, a huge quill and a bottle of ink and wrote the most daring erotic messages I could possibly think of coming from a 13-year-old. After doing this, I would find some strong perfume and spray it all over the envelope and address it to: "Dearest Bruce". I don't know what happened.

Another fun thing to do was use words that rhyme with their first name to make up a nickname. I called my mailman Spruce Bruce. When he wasn't looking, I would profess my sincere love for him out the window. It was wrong, I know. It got to the point where everyone in my house thought that I really did like the mailman. Because he changed his route time to around noon when I'm not home, I don't see him much anymore.

And we have history! How dare he avoid me!

So I started doing this to my neighbor instead...