For every hero
there is a loyal sidekick
. It’s a fact of life. The sidekick is the hero’s closest friend and the only person he can truly trust. There are great advantages of being a sidekick, and hopefully this guide will help you in attaching yourself to a hero and going along on all his adventures.
It is very important not to have as much charisma as your hero does. Under no circumstances is it ok for you to be more likeable than he is. In fact, it helps to be downright annoying.
You also need to be the sort of person who is easily led. You have no real capacity to make decisions for yourself. You should constantly be asking questions like; “Whadda we do now?”, followed by; “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
The only decisions that you ever make must be incorrect and lead to a situation where you need to be rescued by your hero. Often this will be the decision to disobey your hero when he says “stay here and wait for me”.
You have to let the hero be better than you in every way. You shouldn’t be as attractive or as muscular. There are, however, some sidekicks who are bigger and more muscular. In such cases, it is to excess and you must be on hand to carry out regular superhuman feats of strength in order to allow the hero to progress in his adventure. Holding open blast doors is a requirement. It seems you are stronger than even the most powerful hydraulics.
But generally, you should be a bit of a weed. Yet somehow you managed to become a police officer, albeit a rookie, new to the job. You must have a sickening puppy-like love for the hero no matter what he does.
Find a hero to adore:
A sidekick cannot exist without a hero. This is one of the lesser-known facts of the Universe. Choosing a hero is often done for you as you will be thrust into a situation whereupon the hero will naturally take over and you will then see who you should follow.
The best person to look for is a police officer higher in rank, but somewhat of a loose cannon. Maybe you should try and be a calming influence.
Once you have found your hero – stick with him no matter what.
When the world is threatened expect your hero to go charging off to save the day without regard to his own safety. This is where you need to stop in to try and stop him. You won’t succeed – but you instead suggest you go along with him.
As long as you let the hero take the lead, everything should be fine. You will be sneaked-up on and surprised by the mindless drones you come across and you will find that they always sneak up on you rather than the hero despite the fact you are walking side by side.
Dealing with the main big bad crony:
To put it simply – you can’t. Only the hero can deal properly with the archenemy’s 7-foot tall tool of general mayhem. Your encounter with the colossal goon will result in you being taken off under duress to your doom. It would be too easy to kill you outright, and that’s not what the archenemy is planning. You are always far more useful as bait to lure the hero into a cunning trap. Naturally, being a hero, your companion will be compelled to come and rescue you. That is, only after he has rescued a baby from a burning building and gotten that cat down from a tree.
Dealing with the archenemy:
This is something you should attempt to do, but make sure that you fail embarrassingly and get thrown on the floor in a crumpled heap of ineptitude. Remember – you are not as good as the hero. Your job is simple here. Just wait patiently to be rescued. Oh – and don’t forget to distract the archenemy at the last second so that the hero gets an opportunity to defeat him. This last point is key.
You are not as skilled with a firearm as your heroic companion, of course, but you are still far more skilled than the cannon fodder that the archenemy employs. Do what the hero does - just point and shoot.
Oh dear. These never seem to go to well do they? Whereas the enemy waits patiently to attack the hero one by one, they tend to gang up on you. Maybe they like to prey on the vulnerable. But there is no need to panic so long as the hero is there to rescue you. As usual.
This is something that you should only do if you are given the task of getaway driver and are waiting for the hero after some important infiltration exercise. This is the only time when you should ever drive at speed in a vehicle. Normally you will be expected to drive the hero everywhere. But all you will ever do is cruise in a straight line until your dialogue with the hero is over – you will never have to deal with cornering. Sometimes you will find that you ask the hero a question but have to wait until you have driven into a completely different part of the city and wait for the scene to change before he gives an answer.
As I have said, you will almost never have to drive at speed, but whenever the hero gets behind the wheel you’ll find yourself hurtling through the urban jungle. It is helpful for you to keep telling him to “slow down”, and “watch out!”. When not driving your job will change to radio operator.
Never wear a safety belt. You won’t need it.
Making dumb comments destined to be ignored by the hero:
This is your forte. After all, you don’t have anything important or worthwhile to say. Examples of dumb comments that the hero will ignore are:
“Are you sure that’s good idea?”
“It’s too dangerous!”
“Let me go with you.”
“Don’t – there’s too many of them!”
There are many others. In fact, most of what you say is utter tripe. Under no circumstances say anything profound. That’s the hero’s job.
The place; wherever the hero is in a spot of peril. The time; just as he is about to fail in his mission for the greater good. It doesn’t happen often, but the hero can get himself in trouble. This is when you pop out from somewhere and bash your hero’s assailant on the back of the head like a proper coward. Your appearance will always be a surprise to all. No matter how much careful sneaking around has gotten your hero into the enemy’s stronghold, you will have mysteriously got there first.
From this point on, you will return to being slightly inept. You have served your purpose.
Being insanely loyal:
He’s better than you. He gets all the girls. He has all the fun. He always saves the day while you always manage to end up in some sticky mess. But you can’t help but love him, can you? The relationship between you is very much like a dog and its master. But you mustn’t ever lick his face or sniff his ass.
At the end of it all, when the hero has saved the day, the most important thing is to not draw attention to yourself. Even though you have journeyed into the lion’s den with the hero, it is he who should get all the credit. You will never question whether this is fair or not – you love the hero too much I guess.
As the hero walks off into the distance away from the scene of averted disaster, look on proudly. And don’t even think about basking in his reflected glory.